Posts Tagged ‘matchmaking’
As a Los Angeles Matchmaker since 2001 we continue to see a rise in the number of seniors we are working with, both as personal matchmaking clients and as referral members in our Cupid’s Coach dating and matchmaking community. As our Los Angeles singles demographics continue to rise in age with the baby boomer bubble, we are happy to report that Los Angeles dating is alive and well for our senior singles.
Case in point — our Cupid’s Coach mascot is my mother-in-law, whom we affectionately call Feisty Frieda Ferman. In her mid nineties (yes, 94!), Frieda is never without a date on Saturday evening. She never attends singles events or singles cruises because she is a virtual man magnet, never without suitors. Widowed after being happily married for over fifty years, Frieda is my role model for how do to dating in Los Angeles well, really well.
What are Feisty Frieda’s dating secrets? There are two things that this Los Angeles matchmaker has found to give a senior single a big advantage, and Frieda is a stellar example:
1. She looks great. A man simply cannot and will not step up to the plate to court a woman unless he’s attracted to her. Frieda exercises regularly, keeps her bod in shape and she’s taken really great care of her skin. We all think we look and act much younger than our chronological age — Frieda’s the rare example of a senior who really DOES look 10-15 years younger than her birth certificate reveals.
2. Her attitude is so positive. Much, much more important than how a woman looks, it’s her attitude that will either make it or break it with a man whose eye she has managed to catch. Frieda has disciplined herself to look for and to recognize the good in people, in all people. So when she meets a man she looks for what’s right, for what’s pleasing, for what’s honorable. She doesn’t look for flaws, and so naturally men find her attractive and appealing. Frieda calls this “looking for the donut, not the hole” and it’s a practice that’s served her really well in live. This is the very reason why she has so many great girlfriends and she’s never without a devoted, loving boyfriend.
Frieda’s advice to Los Angeles Singles? Bring your own happiness to the party, no whining, no complaining, make it your mission to brighten the life of each person you touch all day long, every day, and you’ll never be without good quality companionship. Rock on Frieda !
Julie Ferman of Cupid’s Coach talks about the “It” Factor. How can I learn to be irresistible to the opposite sex? Julie talks about practicing the art of making other people feel good and their lives brighter! Start looking for what’s right versus what’s wrong with the person you are dating; have more 1st dates and more 2nd dates!
This totally sweet, though heart-wrenching video hit my desk today (Thanks for sharing, Rachel De Alto!) of a thoroughly adorable couple who are now splitting up after five years, because somehow, during their early days of courtship, they missed asking the most critical question of all dating questions:
Who Wants KIDS?
I’ve been there, I made the same mistake, in my mid twenties. I spent 18 months with a beautiful, warm, sensitive, caring and loving man whom I stumbled upon at my local veggie cafe in Kansas City. We were engaged and four months from the altar before the real honest-to-goodness truth became aparent — that whereas I was 100% committed to my plan of marriage and babies, that my partner just simply….wasn’t “all in” with the notion of bringing another child into the world. And so….we split and it was painful.
I learned my lesson, and from that moment forward, I made sure to get the REAL answer to the “Who wants marriage and babies?” question early on in the dating and courtship process, so as not to let myself get swept into another beautiful love affair that can’t endure.
My all time favorite photo of my husband, Gil is tacked onto the wall behind and just to the right of my computer monitor, where my eye tends to wander when I’m thinking. Here’s Gil with our two precious boys in his lap, Alex at 3 and Kevin as an infant. Adorned with his trusty burp rag on his shoulder, Gil’s expression says “I’m fulfilling my destiny as a proud, happy father and life is good.”
As a matchmaker and dating coach, it’s my great honor and joy to spend every day enabling connections, providing introductions and ushering in loving partnerships for our clients. There is no question more critical to the dating and love-search process than “Who wants kids?” Especially if you are a young woman whose clock can’t help but to tick, and also if you are a man who is dating women whose clocks can’t help but be ticking.
Save yourself time and heartache by always, always having the upfront, sober conversation with your love interest (while your clothes are on, in the light of day, please) about what your heart’s true desire is for your future.
If having kids is really important to you, then simply do not become romantic with anyone who’s not on that same page with you. Period. Once romance kicks in and the oxytocin starts flying, attachment and bonding happens and then…. oh my…. five years later we have a puddle of tears and a cute video about a break-up to watch online.
Love seekers — when out there in the trenches of dating, have the courage to ask this very simple question – “Is parenting in your future?”
In designing our personal matchmaking systems here at www.CupidsCoach.com the very first search filter we created for our search process was this one. Who wants to have kids, and who doesn’t? Who is a Yes for dating someone with kids and who isn’t? If you don’t happen to have a matchmaker asking this question for you 100% of the time, then you be sure to ask it for yourself, 100% of the time when you’re screening your candidates. If you get the No response, move on. It’ll hurt less now than it would five years later. I promise.
We encourage you to register privately with us for free, http://www.CupidsCoach.com to be eligible for personal matchmaking referrals. And you can count on us to always know the answer to that question, “Who wants kids?”
Gil and I are celebrating twenty-two years of marriage this Labor Day weekend.
One of the ways we keep our marriage fresh and alive is by flirting. All the time.
Do married women get to flirt? Well this one does…
I flirt with men all the time. And my husband not only permits it, he actually encouarges it. It’s fun and then of course, it’s good for business. Sometimes we go to the Pre-Dating speed dating events together, as we love to sponsor their singles events. Gil gets to meet the women and I get to meet the men — we’re always recruiting, finding stellar candidates for our personal matchmaking Clients. Gil actually might just be a better flirt than even I am, if that’s possible. We’ve been flirting and schmoozing and gathering relationship oriented single people for oh….about 22 years now.
Gil and I were two single people who weren’t loving the dating scene, and thus re-invented it proactively for ourselves. Gil found himself at the not-so-tender age of 44, wondering what happened, and decided to “get a life, get a wife” and in signing up with a dating agency, he ended up going just that. I had no idea how badly I was doing dating, except that my results were giving me a hint (more like a shout) that my approach could use some tweaking.
In case you don’t know the story, Gil owned a couple of dating agency franchises and he’s the one who sold me my membership at his very own agency back in 1990 in St. Louis. I later flirted with him, asked him out and dragged him down the aisle before it had really sunk in for me that women weren’t supposed to do it that way. But nevertheless, 22 years and a couple of gorgeous nearly grown boys later, we are in many ways happier together today than we’ve ever been.
Some secrets I’ve learned along the way:
(hint: if you practice these strategies while you’re single and dating, you’re much more likely to find your way into a loving relationship.)
Zip it. Speak up selectively, when it really matters. Let the little stuff go.
Practice appreciation. Notice what’s beautiful, special, sweet, moving, and speak up about those things.
Say Thank You. And often. It’s bigger than just being polite. Gratitude is an art well worth exploring and developing, as the act of being thankful actually raises consciousness for both people.
Know that happiness is an inside job, that it’s not nearly as much a function of our circumstances as we think it is.
Turn toward each other. When life is hard, and it is often, for each one of us, find ways to ask for the love we need from those who are closest. Gil and I are learning to keep our hearts open even when it hurts, especially when it hurts.
Love is a verb. It’s true. Love is not something that is handed to us, it’s something we create together, moment by moment.
Let us know: You know some couples who are really good together, after decades. What do you admire about their relationship? Email your stories and comments: Info@CupidsCoach.com. Each of the matchmakers and dating coaches at Cupid’s Coach is passionate about not only helping relationship-oriented single people find each other and connect with each other, but we love to see couples stay together for the long haul. Let us know what the happily together couples in your life are doing to keep their love fresh and alive. What’s keeping your love flame ignited? We’d love to know.
The dilemma: You’ve just started dating each other, the chemistry between the two of you is firey hot, and you’re wondering…at what point is it OK to let the clothes fly?
To protect your heart, to preserve your precious time, to avoid the traps, and to stack the deck in your favor, follow these guidelines:
Keep Your Pants On…until these elements are in place.
1. You’re not dating anyone else, and neither is he.
2. You are both in alignment about why you’re dating – your end-goals line up. If you’re sincerely seeking marriage and kids, then simply do not move into the sexual arena with anyone whose purpose in dating doesn’t match your own. If you’ve not yet had that conversation and you don’t know the other person’s longer term plan…keep your pants on a little while longer. The guy who is sincerely seeking life-long love will wait for it, and just like our moms and dads told us, they expect to wait for it. If we give it up too easily or too early, they’ll likely lose respect and they’ll wonder how many other men have gotten there first. Really…
3. You’ve had the touchy and oh-so-critical conversations about birth control and safe sex / STD’s. Have you been tested since your last sexual relationship? Has he? It may seem unromantic, but here’s how one of our recent success story couples http://www.CupidsCoach.com handled it. Once things started heating up and they became exclusive Steven and Margaret went into the clinic together to get tested, and then when their tests came back clean (WHEW!), they celebrated with a fanatastic bed and breakfast weekend that was off the charts romantic and joyous.
Remember high school? We had lots of fun with our pants on, didn’t we? Sex is actually MUCH more satisfying when we’ve waited a while for it, and it’s more along the lines of love making than cheap, casual sex. It’s worth the wait.
In twenty years of being a matchmaker, I’ve never gotten a call from a woman on a Monday morning saying “Darn….I wish I’d slept with that guy!” It’s the other Monday morning call that tears my heart out, when she says “What was I thinking?”
One Drink Only, ladies. There’s a one word answer for why alcohol was put on the planet. Procreation. We’re compelled by our biology to want to have sex. Be smarter than your biology and keep your pants on until you KNOW you’re with the right guy.
My oh my, lots of varying advice on this topic. Here’s an example of when our female client, Linda DID text her date, Rob afterward and here’s what happened…
We had received a very positive post date evaluation from Rob about Linda — he found her to be really warm and engaging, friendly, attractive, bright and impressive — he also mentioned that he didn’t sense that “electricity” that he’s hoping to find in his romantic partner. When I asked him if he was open to having a second date…he hesitated and said, “I’m thinking about it, I’m not sure yet.”
Linda really enjoyed her first date with Rob. Things went well, they talked for two hours over wine, shared an appetizer and lots of laughter together. She couldn’t quite tell if “the romance vibe” was there for her or for him either, and she wasn’t sure just what to do. Her mama had impressed upon her the importance of always saying Thank You, so she took a chance and sent him a sweet, positive text message the next day saying “Rob, thanks so much for last night — loved the stories and the laughter. Call or text anytime. Best. Linda”
And here’s what happened. Rob had checked in with us to let us know that he had a great time and that he was kinda on the fence about a second date. I learned from him a week later that they DID in fact have a second date and a third one was in the works. Matchmakers LOVE to see second and third dates, so naturally I was excited.
I asked Rob what pushed him to the courtship side of the fence and he said, “She’s just so sweet, nice, easy going, warm — she had texted me the day after our first date to say Thanks and we just started a fun text message dialogue which lead to some flirtation and another date…and now another. There’s something special about her — she’s really fun, relaxed, playful. I’m enjoying getting to know her and I’m glad I didn’t miss the chance to see her again.”
In the ongoing debate — should she call or text him after the first date — in this case it was a good idea.
Share your examples with us too. When did reaching out to a guy work out for you? When didn’t it? Guys? What do you think?
Dating Deal Breakers — If you’re single…and you wish you weren’t…, if you’re ready to and excited about being in a loving partnership, you need to be dating, getting out on first, second, and third dates with some targeted, viable prospects. Dating is an opportunity to explore being with different types of people, to see who fits, feels comfortable, who compliments you and your lifestyle nicelyl….and here’s the tricky part — we’re looking for someone who is also interested in and attracted to you, who wants to be with you, to explore possibilities with you. Someone for whom YOU make the cut too.
As we get older, we become more and more clear about the qualities, characteristics, and attributes that we find appealing and…well…which things are turn-offs, even deal-breakers for us. Careful to avoid the trap — being so judgmental and critical, so picky and fussy that no one can pass the test. How to stay out of that trap? Here’s what to do.
Make a list of all of the qualities and characteristics that you’d love to see in your future partner. It’s OK if it’s a long, long list. Then the tough part….identify what are you Top Three Critical Criteria. Those who meet these top three critical criteria… do whatever you can to get on dates number 1, 2, and 3 with these people…
And it’s also a good idea to make a list of all of your pet peeves — qualities and characteristics that you definitely DON’T want in your future partner. Again, it’s OK if it’s a long list, but then do the same challenging exercise — choose your top three — your Top Three Deal Breakers. If the person you’re considering has one of these big no-no’s for you, then well….it’s OK to pass.
Deal breakers are personal, specific to each person’s love search. In order to get through the maze that dating is, it’s a really good idea to get clear about what your Deal Breakers are. Here’s a sampling of what’s on some of our clients’ deal-breaker lists: Cigarette smoking, pot smoking, alcohol/drinking habits. For some, having young kids at home is a deal-breaker. For others, someone who’s not been married before would be a red flag (or a big PLUS!). Religion is often a deal breaker (some will only date a Christian or Jew, some won’t consider dating someone who’s Christian or Jewish). Body type and degree of physical fitness is a biggie for some, and for others what matters more is political or financial.
So…go ahead…make your lists…long lists of elements you really want and those you really don’t want in your future partner. And choose your top three for both lists. You’ll find it’s an eye-opening experience to do this exercise, and it’ll save you from being too accommodating or being so fussy/picky that no one could make the cut.
Every now and then a holiday season rolls around and yet life seems to have dumped a pile of ho-hums on the old doorstep. Someone you love is sick, your BFF is mad at you, a relationship recently fell apart, someone let you down – life has thrown you off balance and you’re feeling hollow, sad, anxious, or just plain BLAH.
Even the most cheerful, upbeat, positive people have Bah Humbug moments. What to do? Here’s what this matchmaker and dating coach suggests…
First thing? Just acknowledge it. Go ahead, say it out loud. “I’m having a Bah Humbug Moment! I’m supposed to be all festive, happy and cheery and instead I feel more like crawling under a rock and hiding until springtime.” Congrats – you just woke up to what’s real for you. Great. You’re half way through.
Next thing – do something physical, outdoors preferably (a vigorous walk works for me) to get your blood flowing, and make it your mission to notice something beautiful, lovely, fresh, and new while on your mind-clearing adventure.
Then, return to the safest, warmest, most inspiring place in your home where you tend to experience your ahhhhhh moments. For me it’s the swing in my yard, a sunny spot just out of range of ringing phones and doorbells. Bring a pen (a nice one that actually works) and your journal (a legal pad will do) and make your list. The list of things you’re currently grateful to have in your life. Keep writing, keep adding to this list until you experience a shift, an energetic shift.
Now — pick someone in your life to love on, someone to reach out to with a card, a gift, a phone call, or plan an unexpected visit. The best way I know to get rid of the blaaaaahs is to get into Active Loving Mode, by practicing the art of unconditional and selfless love.
At the moment I’m stuck with a yukky cold, my eldest son moved out of the house (boo hoo) and my work load is daunting. I guess I have a bit of the Bah Humbugs too. So I’m gonna walk my talk. Back in a few…
OK, it’s an hour later. Biscuit and I walked the neighborhood, my gratitude list is two journal pages long (I used my favorite fancy pen), and I picked the person I want to love on. It’s my Mama. I called her just to check in and spread some love and I told her that I’m booking my flights to come see her for her birthday in February and I’m bringing her grandson. It totally made her day. And you know what? I feel lots better.
Now? It’s your turn. Email me to let me know how YOU transformed your Holiday Blues / Bah Humbug Moment. I’ll be interested to hear what worked for you.
Well….the answer is….Both. Tips here on how to use ‘em or lose ‘em in dating.
Lots of comments in my email box this weekend about how these handy and helpful devices are actually keeping men and women from communicating and connecting with each other. Puzzling, isn’t it? Examples…..
Candice got bent out of shape because Jonathan texted her when she would have preferred to hear his voice. She thinks texting is lame and rude….
Sam was really jazzed to meet Caroline and called her to ask her out for dinner and instead of reaching her or a recording of her sweet, welcoming voice he got the “voice mail has not been set up” roadblock.
Traffic was keeping Mark from being his typically punctual self for Friday’s first date with Jennifer. Wisely, he had her cell number with him, but when he called it to let her know he’d be late the call went to voice mail (the darn Crackberry didn’t ring for some reason) and she sat there at the cafe for 30 minutes….stewing….getting more anxious by the moment. She didn’t think to check her messages.
I sent Gloria out on a flirting expedition on Saturday morning to practice smiling and holding eye contact with the adorable men in her neighborhood and she was defeated by the competition — all the cute boys’ eyes were locked in on their iphones and she couldn’t catch attention from….anyone.
Catherine was thoroughly excited about her second date with Mike and it was beautifully orchestrated — the perfect al fresco dining experience overlooking the yachts in Marina Del Rey. She won’t get a third date. Wanna know why? She had her iphone on the table all evening and every time it buzzed she couldn’t resist; she had to check it. It buzzed…a lot… The impression Mike took away? She’s not really interested in him. Her email box is more important to her than finding a meaningful relationship with a man — a man who is right there with her, courting her, ready and eager to connect with her. She missed her chance to develop relationship with this man, who is…was….a really fitting and motivated suitor. Does this make your friendly neighborhood matchmaker a little bit sad? Yeah….it really does.
The worst part is, folks, she IS interested in him and she’s just fallen into the trap that our communication devices have become for us.
Tips for how to keep your cell phone from ruining your love life:
Turn it off. Completely. When you are on a date, turn the darned thing off altogether. Got kids? Got work challenges? Me too. Check in with those pesky interruptors just before your date (or any important appointment) to make sure they’re OK and let them know you’ll be out of touch for an hour or so. Create these healthy boundaries with the special people in your life. 98% of these oh-so-teasing calls, texts, and emails are not in any way urgent. Let them go…..deal with them later….. Give your date the present of your presence. Works like magic. I promise.
Learn how to use your phone. Ask any teenager to help you figure out how to set up you voice mail, check messages, retrieve your messages, send and receive texts….if we’re going to have one of these “magical” devices we have a responsibility (to ourselves and to the lovely people in our lives) to learn how to use it.
Is your NAME in your voice mail greeting? Is it your voice speaking? It should be. Otherwise how will Jack know he’s left his message with the right Jill? Have you listened to your own voice mail greeting lately? Do you sound cold or annoyed? I surely hope not!
Most importantly, cut each other some slack. Accept the reality that each of us has our preferred methods of giving and receiving communication. Practice being flexible and understanding with each other. Let people know what works for you. Do you like text messages? Do you need to hear a real live voice? If the buzzing cell phone on the dinner table is bugging you, can you find a way to communicate what you need and want, instead of just getting grumpy about it?
Carol did it this way — After she lost Bruce’s attention to his iphone several times during the first 10 minutes of their date, she playfully swatted it (like a fly) and he responded instantly by turning the silly thing off. Smart move, Bruce! The rest of the date went really well and Bruce and Carol will be meeting again for dinner…tonight…at her place. YAY! Humanity wins over machinery. I love it.
Got tips to share about how we can keep our cell phones from running and ruining our lives? Send them on to me. Julie@CupidsCoach.com
Part of my mission as Cupid’s Coach is to consistently bring to your experience of dating more fun and more life-enriching opportunities as you move forward in your journey toward loving relationship.
What do you do, or maybe a better question is what should you do when you experience a Dating Disappointment? When things go….just…badly?
Our personal matchmaking community is like a laboratory — we get to study a challenging and mysterious piece of our Client’s world (the Love Life) under a microscope to see what’s happening. We get to see how our Client deals with the good and the not-so-good things that are woven into the dating adventure.
Over these past twenty years as a matchmaker and dating coach, I’ve learned that how someone shows up here in our community is also very often a reflection of how they are being out there in their lives in general. Good, bad, and sometimes ugly…
Every little thing that happens along the way in your dating process is an opportunity to practice — Practice what? Practice the very skills you’ll need to be successful in the relationship you’re looking to find for yourself.
Think of a couple whose relationship you truly admire. Got one? Me too. So let’s ask ourselves what admirable qualities they’re demonstrating in their partnership. How are they being with each other? And then we can practice bringing those qualities to our relationships, both old and new. Even on and especially on a date., even when and especially when…things go badly.
How are you handling mishaps? If you’re dating you can count on them, and in relationship, even the best of them, we know there will be disappointments. Let’s take a look at how you’re managing the ups and downs along the way.
When you’re on time and your date is late — do you choose to get angry or do you roll with the punches and keep your cool? Whenever we’re stuck waiting, be it at the doctor’s office or in freeway traffic, it’s an opportunity to practice patience, understanding, flexibility and compassionate communication. Are you the one honking your horn? Or are you the one taking the deep breath, smiling, being the courteous to everyone, even those who are in your way?
When you’re thrown off balance by the turn the road just gave you, practice breathing and find something to appreciate, smile or laugh about. Bringing these skills with you into your future relationship will enable love to flourish. Practice taking those deep breaths…now…and all along the way in your journey toward loving partnership.
Has someone you were interested in disappointed you? Maybe things went well on a date and you expected there would be another date happening and….poof….the vanishing act. How are you handling it when the person you’re interested in isn’t demonstrating the level of interest you’d like to see? Do you find yourself getting angry, shutting down, allowing negativity, bitterness, unhappiness or insecurity to creep in or maybe take over?
Bruce’s date, last Monday evening. Susan was late. She had written down 5:30, he’d written down 5:00 — and traffic was bad besides — Bruce called her after waiting for 20 minutes, she realized her mistake and apologized. He handled it just right — he made some calls, replied to a few emails, and… he kept his cool…even though he’d been waiting at the restaurant for 45 minutes by the time she arrived. And you know what happened? They had a really nice date and she was so appreciative of his graciousness, she’s having him over for a Memorial Day dinner at her place tonight. A mishap that served as an opportunity to strengthen (vs. derail) the match. Nicely done, you two…it’s a great night for an al fresco dinner date.
What do you do when you’re disappointed? I’m practicing responding postively to life’s mishaps so that each and every bump in the road provides an opportunity for growth and for contribution. It’s not always easy, of course, but I’m enjoying learning how to do that just a little bit better.
Amy really liked Don and thought their first date had gone so well, ending with what she described as “an electrifying kiss” and his suggestion that they get together again. A week later, not having heard from him, she wondered what she should do — Sit tight? Email him? Call him? Extend an invitation? Dr. Pat Allen would say she should sit tight, do nothing, wait for him to resurface, wait weeks in fact. Some dating experts would say it’s fine for her to reach out to him. Here’s what Amy did — she shared with me that she tends to get discouraged and her spirits can fall when she’s waiting for a guy to call her. She also knows that being outside when the weather is great makes her happy….every time….so she extended by email a last minute opportunity to some of her pals to join her for a sunset hike today, and at the last moment, before hitting the “send” button, she added in Don as a recipient. And guess who’s the ONLY person who could attend? Right. Amy and Don are hiking Busch Canyon this afternoon. Right now, in fact.
Both of these dates are happening…right…now. That’s the kind of success that warm this matchmaker’s heart.
When things go well, are you noticing? Are you smiling? Are you looking for opportunities to express gratitude and to reciprocate with generosity? And when things don’t go well, how are you making lemonade happen? I’d love to hear some of your stories about how you’ve turned a dating disappointment into something worthwhile or even magical.
Keep on loving out there. And Happy Memorial Day to you and to everyone who matters to you.
Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach