Posts Tagged ‘matchmaking’
Every now and then a holiday season rolls around and yet life seems to have dumped a pile of ho-hums on the old doorstep. Someone you love is sick, your BFF is mad at you, a relationship recently fell apart, someone let you down – life has thrown you off balance and you’re feeling hollow, sad, anxious, or just plain BLAH.
Even the most cheerful, upbeat, positive people have Bah Humbug moments. What to do? Here’s what this matchmaker and dating coach suggests…
First thing? Just acknowledge it. Go ahead, say it out loud. “I’m having a Bah Humbug Moment! I’m supposed to be all festive, happy and cheery and instead I feel more like crawling under a rock and hiding until springtime.” Congrats – you just woke up to what’s real for you. Great. You’re half way through.
Next thing – do something physical, outdoors preferably (a vigorous walk works for me) to get your blood flowing, and make it your mission to notice something beautiful, lovely, fresh, and new while on your mind-clearing adventure.
Then, return to the safest, warmest, most inspiring place in your home where you tend to experience your ahhhhhh moments. For me it’s the swing in my yard, a sunny spot just out of range of ringing phones and doorbells. Bring a pen (a nice one that actually works) and your journal (a legal pad will do) and make your list. The list of things you’re currently grateful to have in your life. Keep writing, keep adding to this list until you experience a shift, an energetic shift.
Now — pick someone in your life to love on, someone to reach out to with a card, a gift, a phone call, or plan an unexpected visit. The best way I know to get rid of the blaaaaahs is to get into Active Loving Mode, by practicing the art of unconditional and selfless love.
At the moment I’m stuck with a yukky cold, my eldest son moved out of the house (boo hoo) and my work load is daunting. I guess I have a bit of the Bah Humbugs too. So I’m gonna walk my talk. Back in a few…
OK, it’s an hour later. Biscuit and I walked the neighborhood, my gratitude list is two journal pages long (I used my favorite fancy pen), and I picked the person I want to love on. It’s my Mama. I called her just to check in and spread some love and I told her that I’m booking my flights to come see her for her birthday in February and I’m bringing her grandson. It totally made her day. And you know what? I feel lots better.
Now? It’s your turn. Email me to let me know how YOU transformed your Holiday Blues / Bah Humbug Moment. I’ll be interested to hear what worked for you.
Are our “communication devices” helping single love seekers connect? Or are they getting in our way?
Well….the answer is….Both. Tips here on how to use ‘em or lose ‘em in dating.
Lots of comments in my email box this weekend about how these handy and helpful devices are actually keeping men and women from communicating and connecting with each other. Puzzling, isn’t it? Examples…..
Candice got bent out of shape because Jonathan texted her when she would have preferred to hear his voice. She thinks texting is lame and rude….
Sam was really jazzed to meet Caroline and called her to ask her out for dinner and instead of reaching her or a recording of her sweet, welcoming voice he got the “voice mail has not been set up” roadblock.
Traffic was keeping Mark from being his typically punctual self for Friday’s first date with Jennifer. Wisely, he had her cell number with him, but when he called it to let her know he’d be late the call went to voice mail (the darn Crackberry didn’t ring for some reason) and she sat there at the cafe for 30 minutes….stewing….getting more anxious by the moment. She didn’t think to check her messages.
I sent Gloria out on a flirting expedition on Saturday morning to practice smiling and holding eye contact with the adorable men in her neighborhood and she was defeated by the competition — all the cute boys’ eyes were locked in on their iphones and she couldn’t catch attention from….anyone.
Catherine was thoroughly excited about her second date with Mike and it was beautifully orchestrated — the perfect al fresco dining experience overlooking the yachts in Marina Del Rey. She won’t get a third date. Wanna know why? She had her iphone on the table all evening and every time it buzzed she couldn’t resist; she had to check it. It buzzed…a lot… The impression Mike took away? She’s not really interested in him. Her email box is more important to her than finding a meaningful relationship with a man — a man who is right there with her, courting her, ready and eager to connect with her. She missed her chance to develop relationship with this man, who is…was….a really fitting and motivated suitor. Does this make your friendly neighborhood matchmaker a little bit sad? Yeah….it really does.
The worst part is, folks, she IS interested in him and she’s just fallen into the trap that our communication devices have become for us.
Tips for how to keep your cell phone from ruining your love life:
Turn it off. Completely. When you are on a date, turn the darned thing off altogether. Got kids? Got work challenges? Me too. Check in with those pesky interruptors just before your date (or any important appointment) to make sure they’re OK and let them know you’ll be out of touch for an hour or so. Create these healthy boundaries with the special people in your life. 98% of these oh-so-teasing calls, texts, and emails are not in any way urgent. Let them go…..deal with them later….. Give your date the present of your presence. Works like magic. I promise.
Learn how to use your phone. Ask any teenager to help you figure out how to set up you voice mail, check messages, retrieve your messages, send and receive texts….if we’re going to have one of these “magical” devices we have a responsibility (to ourselves and to the lovely people in our lives) to learn how to use it.
Is your NAME in your voice mail greeting? Is it your voice speaking? It should be. Otherwise how will Jack know he’s left his message with the right Jill? Have you listened to your own voice mail greeting lately? Do you sound cold or annoyed? I surely hope not!
Most importantly, cut each other some slack. Accept the reality that each of us has our preferred methods of giving and receiving communication. Practice being flexible and understanding with each other. Let people know what works for you. Do you like text messages? Do you need to hear a real live voice? If the buzzing cell phone on the dinner table is bugging you, can you find a way to communicate what you need and want, instead of just getting grumpy about it?
Carol did it this way — After she lost Bruce’s attention to his iphone several times during the first 10 minutes of their date, she playfully swatted it (like a fly) and he responded instantly by turning the silly thing off. Smart move, Bruce! The rest of the date went really well and Bruce and Carol will be meeting again for dinner…tonight…at her place. YAY! Humanity wins over machinery. I love it.
Got tips to share about how we can keep our cell phones from running and ruining our lives? Send them on to me. Julie@CupidsCoach.com
If you’re reading this, you’re probably single at the moment, and you’re courageous enough to be “out there” dating. Excellent. It takes courage, doesn’t it?
Part of my mission as Cupid’s Coach is to consistently bring to your experience of dating more fun and more life-enriching opportunities as you move forward in your journey toward loving relationship.
What do you do, or maybe a better question is what should you do when you experience a Dating Disappointment? When things go….just…badly?
Our personal matchmaking community is like a laboratory — we get to study a challenging and mysterious piece of our Client’s world (the Love Life) under a microscope to see what’s happening. We get to see how our Client deals with the good and the not-so-good things that are woven into the dating adventure.
Over these past twenty years as a matchmaker and dating coach, I’ve learned that how someone shows up here in our community is also very often a reflection of how they are being out there in their lives in general. Good, bad, and sometimes ugly…
Every little thing that happens along the way in your dating process is an opportunity to practice — Practice what? Practice the very skills you’ll need to be successful in the relationship you’re looking to find for yourself.
Think of a couple whose relationship you truly admire. Got one? Me too. So let’s ask ourselves what admirable qualities they’re demonstrating in their partnership. How are they being with each other? And then we can practice bringing those qualities to our relationships, both old and new. Even on and especially on a date., even when and especially when…things go badly.
How are you handling mishaps? If you’re dating you can count on them, and in relationship, even the best of them, we know there will be disappointments. Let’s take a look at how you’re managing the ups and downs along the way.
When you’re on time and your date is late — do you choose to get angry or do you roll with the punches and keep your cool? Whenever we’re stuck waiting, be it at the doctor’s office or in freeway traffic, it’s an opportunity to practice patience, understanding, flexibility and compassionate communication. Are you the one honking your horn? Or are you the one taking the deep breath, smiling, being the courteous to everyone, even those who are in your way?
When you’re thrown off balance by the turn the road just gave you, practice breathing and find something to appreciate, smile or laugh about. Bringing these skills with you into your future relationship will enable love to flourish. Practice taking those deep breaths…now…and all along the way in your journey toward loving partnership.
Has someone you were interested in disappointed you? Maybe things went well on a date and you expected there would be another date happening and….poof….the vanishing act. How are you handling it when the person you’re interested in isn’t demonstrating the level of interest you’d like to see? Do you find yourself getting angry, shutting down, allowing negativity, bitterness, unhappiness or insecurity to creep in or maybe take over?
Bruce’s date, last Monday evening. Susan was late. She had written down 5:30, he’d written down 5:00 — and traffic was bad besides — Bruce called her after waiting for 20 minutes, she realized her mistake and apologized. He handled it just right — he made some calls, replied to a few emails, and… he kept his cool…even though he’d been waiting at the restaurant for 45 minutes by the time she arrived. And you know what happened? They had a really nice date and she was so appreciative of his graciousness, she’s having him over for a Memorial Day dinner at her place tonight. A mishap that served as an opportunity to strengthen (vs. derail) the match. Nicely done, you two…it’s a great night for an al fresco dinner date.
What do you do when you’re disappointed? I’m practicing responding postively to life’s mishaps so that each and every bump in the road provides an opportunity for growth and for contribution. It’s not always easy, of course, but I’m enjoying learning how to do that just a little bit better.
Amy really liked Don and thought their first date had gone so well, ending with what she described as “an electrifying kiss” and his suggestion that they get together again. A week later, not having heard from him, she wondered what she should do — Sit tight? Email him? Call him? Extend an invitation? Dr. Pat Allen would say she should sit tight, do nothing, wait for him to resurface, wait weeks in fact. Some dating experts would say it’s fine for her to reach out to him. Here’s what Amy did — she shared with me that she tends to get discouraged and her spirits can fall when she’s waiting for a guy to call her. She also knows that being outside when the weather is great makes her happy….every time….so she extended by email a last minute opportunity to some of her pals to join her for a sunset hike today, and at the last moment, before hitting the “send” button, she added in Don as a recipient. And guess who’s the ONLY person who could attend? Right. Amy and Don are hiking Busch Canyon this afternoon. Right now, in fact.
Both of these dates are happening…right…now. That’s the kind of success that warm this matchmaker’s heart.
When things go well, are you noticing? Are you smiling? Are you looking for opportunities to express gratitude and to reciprocate with generosity? And when things don’t go well, how are you making lemonade happen? I’d love to hear some of your stories about how you’ve turned a dating disappointment into something worthwhile or even magical.
Keep on loving out there. And Happy Memorial Day to you and to everyone who matters to you.
Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach
“I’m a successful professional woman, recognized and respected in my field — should I reveal or hide this on a first date?”
My female client who asked this question — she’s Jennifer, recently divorced, mid-fifties, re-entering the dating world for the first time in decades. She’s had a high level of success professionally and tends to “lead” with this aspect of who she is when describing herself.
Who she is as a working woman is a big part of her identity, of who she has become, and it’s natural for her to seek recognition and respect for her achievements. But…will “leading” with this side of her be attractive and effective on a first date?
Successful, strong, powerful women are flocking to personal matchmakers in droves, and many of these modern day women are struggling with this issue, so we’ll address this question out loud in today’s Sunday Morning Blog .
Ladies, when you are having a first date with a man, you’re not on a job interview…you’re looking to find your way into a loving partnership with a man whose life you have the opportunity to enhance and enrich. When you’re on a first date you’re interviewing for the position of loving partner, supportive soulmate, playmate and best friend.
Before you walk into that first date venue ask yourself, “Is he looking to hire a business consultant? Is he looking to invest in your company?” The answer is…Nope. He’s hoping he’ll meet a woman he’ll want to add to his life — someone who will be his soft place to land at the end of his day and whose love and support will give him reason to be the provider/protector masculine man he wants and needs to be.
The man Jennifer will be meeting at that lovely Italian restaurant tonight? He’s hoping to find a woman who will love and respect and appreciate HIS masculinity and his accomplishments. He’s hoping she can and will admire who HE is as a man.
What do men love about women? It’s our femininity that allows for and provides the contrast and the context for his masculine self to show up and shine. If she takes up that space by leading with her resume of professional accomplishments….there’s not much room for him to be the guy she hopes he’ll be and who he needs and wants to be.
Now, it’s very likely that he’ll be thoroughly impressed by what he learns of her professional life…however, it’s smart for her to allow these morsels of information to come out…little by little…later….after he’s already determined that she has the feminine qualities that he first and foremost wants, needs and craves from the woman in his life.
Femininity — first and foremost, that’s what he’s hoping to find and respond to on this date.
The more masculine she wants and hopes her man will be, the more important it is for her to present and lead with the feminine aspects of her personality. Today’s strong, accomplished female professionals are often frustrated to the point of anger and bitterness (so…not… sexy) as they are having trouble finding, attracting, and keeping “quality” men in their lives, so this question Jennifer asked me today is timely and perfect.
It’s natural for a woman to want to be with a man who out-mans her. Is there a scarcity of men who out-man today’s highly accomplished female professionals? Yep, and the reason is twofold — because first off, there are SO many highly educated, professional, accomplished, successful man-like women here in our big American cities. And secondly these ladies are not realizing that by “leading” with their masculine, they’re becoming invisible…or worse…they’re turning off or repelling the very men they’re hoping to attract.
If you’re a woman who would love to be with a man who has intelligence, success and financial strength, then listen up. This kind of man will naturally want to be respected and admired and appreciated for these masculine traits. Appreciation is key. You’ll get farther with this kind of man by showing HIM sincere respect, admiration, and appreciation for HIS accomplishments….vs. having the conversation focused on what YOU have accomplished. Make sense?
Lead with your feminine side while dating ladies…bring with you on that date a big, beautiful smile and your little girl curiosity, eager to unwrap the gift, the present that this wonderful man is for you – whether you get to be with him for an hour or a week or a month or a lifetime.
Practice being in the present, practice being interested (not interesting) and have fun digging for treasures as you get to know all about him, his world, the parts of his life that HE is proud of. Fun assignment, huh? Practice…
If you’re interested in being with a strong, smart, successful man, lead with the parts of your personality and character and presence that are likely to be lovely in his eyes. Practice being the kind of woman who makes him feel like the man he wants to be. Ladies, we have so much more power than we realize over how a man shows up in our presence. It’s complex, and it’s so much fun to explore.
My suggestion to Jennifer about tonight’s date with Mark — While it’s fine for her to touch lightly upon her work life, I asked her to consciously practice bringing the focus back to the softer topics, which will likely stir up the possibility for an emotional connection, the domain of the heart.
She’s a smart woman whose mind is easily stimulated…she can have that experience with a good book. But while on a date and indeed, anytime and anyplace she finds herself in the company of an interesting man, I’d like to see her practicing leading with her feminine.
And so I’ll challenge all ladies who are listening, and myself today too. Let’s allow our smiles, our giggles, our sense of wonder, our sparkle, our loving and playful spirits to lead. That’s what today’s modern day masculine man is starved for — he’s not looking for a mirror image of himself, he is wanting his compliment.
Today’s professional women – we think that our success, power, wealth, smarts, education — that it’s intimidating to men. I think that’s the wrong word. I think what’s more accurate is that when we “lead” with our masculine strength, it’s just simply off-putting to the very men we’re hoping to attract. It’s a buzz kill for him. If while on a date there’s no room for HIS masculinity to be admired, respected and appreciated…well…he’ll just kinda sit there appearing to be…no one special, he’ll back off or slink away or disappear, and she’ll never get to see his masculine side. And this makes a man really sad too, when a first date falls flat – he leaves with his head hanging low…he wanted to be the guy, but there wasn’t any room for him to be that guy for her. She took up all of the masculine space.
On this upcoming first date that we have scheduled tonight with Mark and Jennifer, I’m suggesting that Jennifer make the conscious choice to steer the conversation to these areas of her life that will likely perk him right up…I’d like to see her tantalize his senses with fun, playful, upbeat banter not on work related topics, but rather on some of their many shared passions – they both love the arts, theatre, film, music, concerts, design, architecture, and history. I’d like to hear that the conversation centered around their shared appreciation for organic foods, the mysteries and delights of a fine cabernet, the ultimate chocolate chip cookie, the joyful experience she had yesterdaysharing her favorite childrens book with her niece in her lap – It’s my hope that she’ll play on her senses and we’ll see if she can create an emotional and experiential connection with Mark.
I’ll be the fly on the wall in the restaurant tonight, watching to see how they do together… Thanks for engaging with us on this topic. Your comments and questions? Do share…
With love,
Julie Ferman, Chief Relationship Expert
eLove & Cupid’s Coach