Posts Tagged ‘Los Angeles Matchmaking’
Cupid's Coach
Your Matchmaker’s Advice? Love and Romance – it’s an attitude, a frame of mind we want to nurture, feed, stroke, and energize.
Every day. In bits and pieces.
The mission for the busy, professional single mom is to keep your love life alive, developing, growing — every day.
What, you ask? Without a man to love on? Without a man to love on me? Doesn’t love and romance require two people, simultaneously engaged in the process of loving each other? Yes, sometimes. We love it when love and romance happen just that way.
And also….let’s remember that love and romance happen through the human experience. Moment by moment, when we choose to have a loving moment or a romantic moment. These moments can happen anytime, anyplace, and even all by ourselves.
In fact, love and romance starts right there. Within. Moment by moment as part of our human experience.
Exercise your love and romance muscles, with our without a partner.
Allow for yourself, insist on providing for yourself those delicious sensual moments that spark and kindle the feminine spirit.
A quick 30-second intermission (in the middle of an email you’re writing) to tune into the sweet sounds of the birds outside. A 30-second intermission to notice and savor those tender, soft, bright green baby buds on the trees outside the window. No window nearby? Bring a tiny vase with a gorgeous blooming flower (or TWO flowers…symbolozing the relationship that’s in your future…)
Men are naturally, instinctively drawn to women who are in touch with their sensuous femininity. Here’s the trick — While you’re being a good mom, while you’re being a devoted professional on the job, throughout your day sprinkle in these 30-second ahhhhh moments, which will bring you an instant lightness of spirit, that twinkle in the eye, the inner glow that radiates from deep within and that automatically generates a natural smile to your face — the warm glow, that soft, sweet, knowing smile that men find so tantalizing, so captivating and so alluring.
In other words, taking 30 seconds to smell the roses brings you instant joy, enables your romantic spirit, and serves as that magnetic pull drawing men (suitors) into your realm.
Are our “communication devices” helping single love seekers connect? Or are they getting in our way?
Well….the answer is….Both. Tips here on how to use ‘em or lose ‘em in dating.
Lots of comments in my email box this weekend about how these handy and helpful devices are actually keeping men and women from communicating and connecting with each other. Puzzling, isn’t it? Examples…..
Candice got bent out of shape because Jonathan texted her when she would have preferred to hear his voice. She thinks texting is lame and rude….
Sam was really jazzed to meet Caroline and called her to ask her out for dinner and instead of reaching her or a recording of her sweet, welcoming voice he got the “voice mail has not been set up” roadblock.
Traffic was keeping Mark from being his typically punctual self for Friday’s first date with Jennifer. Wisely, he had her cell number with him, but when he called it to let her know he’d be late the call went to voice mail (the darn Crackberry didn’t ring for some reason) and she sat there at the cafe for 30 minutes….stewing….getting more anxious by the moment. She didn’t think to check her messages.
I sent Gloria out on a flirting expedition on Saturday morning to practice smiling and holding eye contact with the adorable men in her neighborhood and she was defeated by the competition — all the cute boys’ eyes were locked in on their iphones and she couldn’t catch attention from….anyone.
Catherine was thoroughly excited about her second date with Mike and it was beautifully orchestrated — the perfect al fresco dining experience overlooking the yachts in Marina Del Rey. She won’t get a third date. Wanna know why? She had her iphone on the table all evening and every time it buzzed she couldn’t resist; she had to check it. It buzzed…a lot… The impression Mike took away? She’s not really interested in him. Her email box is more important to her than finding a meaningful relationship with a man — a man who is right there with her, courting her, ready and eager to connect with her. She missed her chance to develop relationship with this man, who is…was….a really fitting and motivated suitor. Does this make your friendly neighborhood matchmaker a little bit sad? Yeah….it really does.
The worst part is, folks, she IS interested in him and she’s just fallen into the trap that our communication devices have become for us.
Tips for how to keep your cell phone from ruining your love life:
Turn it off. Completely. When you are on a date, turn the darned thing off altogether. Got kids? Got work challenges? Me too. Check in with those pesky interruptors just before your date (or any important appointment) to make sure they’re OK and let them know you’ll be out of touch for an hour or so. Create these healthy boundaries with the special people in your life. 98% of these oh-so-teasing calls, texts, and emails are not in any way urgent. Let them go…..deal with them later….. Give your date the present of your presence. Works like magic. I promise.
Learn how to use your phone. Ask any teenager to help you figure out how to set up you voice mail, check messages, retrieve your messages, send and receive texts….if we’re going to have one of these “magical” devices we have a responsibility (to ourselves and to the lovely people in our lives) to learn how to use it.
Is your NAME in your voice mail greeting? Is it your voice speaking? It should be. Otherwise how will Jack know he’s left his message with the right Jill? Have you listened to your own voice mail greeting lately? Do you sound cold or annoyed? I surely hope not!
Most importantly, cut each other some slack. Accept the reality that each of us has our preferred methods of giving and receiving communication. Practice being flexible and understanding with each other. Let people know what works for you. Do you like text messages? Do you need to hear a real live voice? If the buzzing cell phone on the dinner table is bugging you, can you find a way to communicate what you need and want, instead of just getting grumpy about it?
Carol did it this way — After she lost Bruce’s attention to his iphone several times during the first 10 minutes of their date, she playfully swatted it (like a fly) and he responded instantly by turning the silly thing off. Smart move, Bruce! The rest of the date went really well and Bruce and Carol will be meeting again for dinner…tonight…at her place. YAY! Humanity wins over machinery. I love it.
Got tips to share about how we can keep our cell phones from running and ruining our lives? Send them on to me. Julie@CupidsCoach.com
This morning’s post-date feedback from our Cupid’s Coach personal matchmaking clients is revealing some fun first date and second date ideas. Some of our matchmaking clients are really being creative, thinking outside the coffee shop for their dating adventures. Here’s what some of our Cupid’s Coach Clients have been up to.
Katherine and Josh are both devoted, enthusiastic dog owners and I love what they did for their second date. They met at a dog park, mid way between their homes and they each brought drinks and edibles to share. The date stretched into the evening, at a sweet little outdoor cafe, the dogs tied up at their feet. Reportedly the dogs are having a love affair too and have been invited on Date Number Three, same dog park, next week after work.
Mara is on a special diet and she didn’t want to appear overly fussy or high maintenance on her date with Jake. They both enjoy adventurous dining and we had them meet up at a Mongolian Barbeque spot, where she could easily and without any fuss at all carefully choose the exact ingredients she wanted, without having to be “a pain” to the waiter or the chef in the kitchen. It was a fun, casual, relaxed first date and it went off without a hitch.
Liz had a corporate event to attend and she needed to bring a plus-one. She’s been dating plenty, but….there’s no one who’s really surfaced as a romantic interest, so she invited a guy named Rob whom she’d met a couple of months back through our agency, Cupid’s Coach. She had just one date with him and thought he was “nice enough” but, no real sparks. But he’s social and fun to be with and she had a feeling he’d “show well” at the event, where her boss and co-workers would be in attendance. Interestingly, this morning’s post date evaluation revealed that there IS some romantic potential for the two of them. She and Rob had a really fun time together — relaxed, no-pressure (maybe because they had already determined that they would just be “friends”…) and whatdyaknow, romance sparks were indeed flying for the two of them and they’ll be getting together for a hike next weekend.
And my favorite Cupid’s Coach date this weekend was in a plane — Matt is a pilot and he flew Monica to San Diego for lunch and a visit to the San Diego zoo yesterday for their third date. Gotta love it.
Make all of your dates an adventure. Meet on a picnic bench overlooking the water, head to the bowling alley, the street fair, the ferris wheel, the art walk, or a poetry reading.
As my mascot and cherished mother-in-law, Feisty Frieda Ferman says, only boring people are ever bored. Let that never be you…on a date…
Send in your favorite date ideas — we love to read them!
Julie Ferman
If you’re reading this, you’re probably single at the moment, and you’re courageous enough to be “out there” dating. Excellent. It takes courage, doesn’t it?
Part of my mission as Cupid’s Coach is to consistently bring to your experience of dating more fun and more life-enriching opportunities as you move forward in your journey toward loving relationship.
What do you do, or maybe a better question is what should you do when you experience a Dating Disappointment? When things go….just…badly?
Our personal matchmaking community is like a laboratory — we get to study a challenging and mysterious piece of our Client’s world (the Love Life) under a microscope to see what’s happening. We get to see how our Client deals with the good and the not-so-good things that are woven into the dating adventure.
Over these past twenty years as a matchmaker and dating coach, I’ve learned that how someone shows up here in our community is also very often a reflection of how they are being out there in their lives in general. Good, bad, and sometimes ugly…
Every little thing that happens along the way in your dating process is an opportunity to practice — Practice what? Practice the very skills you’ll need to be successful in the relationship you’re looking to find for yourself.
Think of a couple whose relationship you truly admire. Got one? Me too. So let’s ask ourselves what admirable qualities they’re demonstrating in their partnership. How are they being with each other? And then we can practice bringing those qualities to our relationships, both old and new. Even on and especially on a date., even when and especially when…things go badly.
How are you handling mishaps? If you’re dating you can count on them, and in relationship, even the best of them, we know there will be disappointments. Let’s take a look at how you’re managing the ups and downs along the way.
When you’re on time and your date is late — do you choose to get angry or do you roll with the punches and keep your cool? Whenever we’re stuck waiting, be it at the doctor’s office or in freeway traffic, it’s an opportunity to practice patience, understanding, flexibility and compassionate communication. Are you the one honking your horn? Or are you the one taking the deep breath, smiling, being the courteous to everyone, even those who are in your way?
When you’re thrown off balance by the turn the road just gave you, practice breathing and find something to appreciate, smile or laugh about. Bringing these skills with you into your future relationship will enable love to flourish. Practice taking those deep breaths…now…and all along the way in your journey toward loving partnership.
Has someone you were interested in disappointed you? Maybe things went well on a date and you expected there would be another date happening and….poof….the vanishing act. How are you handling it when the person you’re interested in isn’t demonstrating the level of interest you’d like to see? Do you find yourself getting angry, shutting down, allowing negativity, bitterness, unhappiness or insecurity to creep in or maybe take over?
Bruce’s date, last Monday evening. Susan was late. She had written down 5:30, he’d written down 5:00 — and traffic was bad besides — Bruce called her after waiting for 20 minutes, she realized her mistake and apologized. He handled it just right — he made some calls, replied to a few emails, and… he kept his cool…even though he’d been waiting at the restaurant for 45 minutes by the time she arrived. And you know what happened? They had a really nice date and she was so appreciative of his graciousness, she’s having him over for a Memorial Day dinner at her place tonight. A mishap that served as an opportunity to strengthen (vs. derail) the match. Nicely done, you two…it’s a great night for an al fresco dinner date.
What do you do when you’re disappointed? I’m practicing responding postively to life’s mishaps so that each and every bump in the road provides an opportunity for growth and for contribution. It’s not always easy, of course, but I’m enjoying learning how to do that just a little bit better.
Amy really liked Don and thought their first date had gone so well, ending with what she described as “an electrifying kiss” and his suggestion that they get together again. A week later, not having heard from him, she wondered what she should do — Sit tight? Email him? Call him? Extend an invitation? Dr. Pat Allen would say she should sit tight, do nothing, wait for him to resurface, wait weeks in fact. Some dating experts would say it’s fine for her to reach out to him. Here’s what Amy did — she shared with me that she tends to get discouraged and her spirits can fall when she’s waiting for a guy to call her. She also knows that being outside when the weather is great makes her happy….every time….so she extended by email a last minute opportunity to some of her pals to join her for a sunset hike today, and at the last moment, before hitting the “send” button, she added in Don as a recipient. And guess who’s the ONLY person who could attend? Right. Amy and Don are hiking Busch Canyon this afternoon. Right now, in fact.
Both of these dates are happening…right…now. That’s the kind of success that warm this matchmaker’s heart.
When things go well, are you noticing? Are you smiling? Are you looking for opportunities to express gratitude and to reciprocate with generosity? And when things don’t go well, how are you making lemonade happen? I’d love to hear some of your stories about how you’ve turned a dating disappointment into something worthwhile or even magical.
Keep on loving out there. And Happy Memorial Day to you and to everyone who matters to you.
Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach
How Mark Met His Match
One of my all time favorite clients is finally and so happily…madly in love. Here’s how it happened for Mark…
Mark’s this thoroughly scrumptious 51 year old Adonis – tall, super handsome, a successful award-winning screenwriter, great dad, lovely home, fit, active, a big time brainiac, hysterically funny – and what makes him a REAL Ten vs. a Wanna-Be-Ten is the fact that he’s in great shape emotionally, sincerely seeking a deeply loving partnership. He’s basically the IT GUY – the type of man pretty much all of my female clients want to meet and really want to keep.
Mark has been a dream client for me here at Cupid’s Coach – Responsive, communicative, always a complete gentleman, a total prince. He has treated each woman he’s met through our agency with respect, kindness, compassion, sincerity, and honesty. And each woman I introduced to him wanted to see him again…and again…His post-date evaluations were glowing with compliments. He’s had plenty of second dates, but rarely a third date. Something was just not quite there for him, most of the time with the women he was meeting.
Mark and I have been looking for His Girl for a couple of years now. He should be easy to match, right? Well…not really…because the women, even the most fabulous women, have been blowing it with him. Consistently.
Mark’s particularly sensitive to what he calls the Princess Factor — women who he describes as being presumptuous, who are showing up in his eyes to be takers, while the quality he’s most seeking in his future partner is what he calls “a spirit of generosity.”
He’s looking for a giver – someone who cares deeply about other people, and whose lifestyle reflects that. The type of woman whose credit card statements demonstrate a commitment to more than just her personal indulgences. Sure, there might be the occasional Prada or Saks purchase, but we might also find a contribution to NPR or to the animal shelter or to a breast cancer walk for a friend or the political campaign she favors. He describes her as the type of person who takes time to visit her Aunt Susie in the hospital or who would take her neighbor’s dog for a weekend. She’s first and foremost, at her inner core of her being — a giver.
Mark tells me that he has been looking under every stone here in Los Angeles for the type of woman who has the ability to really back up her man, to open her heart to his children, to be by his side and an integral part of his entrepreneurial ventures as well as their travel excursions. The type of woman who is passionately engaged in philanthropic projects that matter to her, and that move and inspire her; the type of woman whose activities and personal commitments make our world a better place. Someone who takes care of herself and who can also be self-less. He says it’s been tough to find, but he always seemed to remain optimistic and never fell into that place of negativity, hopelessness or despair that I see far too often.
He tells me that it’s been unexpectedly difficult to find a woman like this here in Los Angeles, especially one who also clicks with him physically, intellectually, philosophically and emotionally. And he’s really been looking too…
Interestingly, he shared with me that he sometimes feels like it’s almost a curse to be a tall, good looking, successful man. The women who are drawn to him, who have been hovering around him these past few years have typically been fantastic – most of them beautiful and wealthy – he says what comes with those two attributes is – the dreaded “Sense of Entitlement” — He says beautiful, wealthy women, in his experience tend to be the ones who expect to be treated a certain way by the men in her life…and he says this is his very biggest turn-off. He went on to say that if something is expected, it’s not fun or gratifying or meaningful for him to provide it, and he finds himself drifting away from this type of woman.
Mark has been open to meeting a variety of women – he’s really trusted me over the course of the time we’ve worked together. He’s stretched on issues like height, distance, kids preferences, religious preferences, education level, ethnicity, background, even body type and hairstyle preferences – he’s been a real sport, and it’s been so much fun for me to introduce him to a dozen or so of my most desirable, thoroughly together female clients.
He wrote to me this morning about how happy he is to have settled into his new relationship. She’s the thirteenth woman I introduced him to here at CupidsCoach.com Good thing he never gave up, huh? Finally the magic he’s been hoping to find seems to be present and unfolding so beautifully. They’ve been together for six weeks now.
This morning he wrote, “I am happily off the market. Please remind your clients to never give up, as “it” really does happen — meeting someone you feel like you were meant to be with. I think about all the dates I’ve been on these past two years, and what a needle in a haystack kind of search it’s been – and how exceedingly rare real chemistry is! You can be on a date with someone who is attractive and available and successful and smart and you like each other just fine, but there’s no magic, or chemistry — Recognition is a word I like — When you meet the right person at the right time, and it feels vaguely as if you were friends in a former life, and have no memory of it, but resuming the conversation is instant and effortless… I have another theory, too — that we spend too much time looking for a mirror image of ourselves, and not enough time looking for our compliment — someone who isn’t a mirror image, but just lowers your blood pressure… and makes you have a better day…”
I loved the way he said that. Hoping Mark’s story inspires you all to keep the faith, to keep giving to each other all along the way into the loving partnership that will surely be in your future. And let’s all take time to express our sincere thanks to all of the lovely people who have enriched our lives…
Giving…always circles back.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!
Julie Ferman
Cupid’s Coach
Q: Julie, how can we make dating less expensive?
A: First date ideas for those who like to hang on to their cash:
As a matchmaker overseeing the love lives of thousands of single love seekers, I hear plenty of grumbling about $14 glasses of wine, $85 lunch bills, and all of those little and not so little expenses that are…the costs of courtship…More so now than ever with our current economic challenges. So, what are simple, yet highly effective things you can do when you’re ready to meet, greet, date, make a good impression and have fun?
Here are some stellar notes I received from my clients about their creative and inexpensive dates that were awesome.
Catherine’s a busy CPA and single mom, whose only opening for a first date with Brian was Sunday morning, squeezed in between her puppy training class and her son’s soccer game. The meeting spot? Sharky’s Fresh Mexican grill – a super casual fast food restaurant, classed up by mesquite, stone fired ovens, organic fare and a lovely outdoor patio area.
Brian couldn’t have handled things better for this quickie date, which was not at all expensive, and came across as anything but cheap.
In confirming plans with Catherine by phone, sensing that her day would be hectic, he suggested this casual but pretty outdoor spot, and (smart boy) discovered in advance that Catherine loves Fresh Mex salads. Catherine arrived right on time, delighted to find Brian seated at a sweet little table by the fountain. On the table already? A couple of different salads, tortilla chips, guacamole, lemonade and …get this…at his feet…a bowl of water for her puppy.
Glowing post-date reviews from both of them. They’re meeting up this coming Sunday…same time…same place…same pup….and they’ll have fun fighting over the bill, which will be all of about … eighteen bucks.
The moral of the story? Creativity, flexibility and thoughtfulness stretch a lot farther than the almighty dollar in making that all important first impression on a date.
With much love, Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach Stay Connected: http://www.facebook.com/CupidsCoach http://cupidscoach.wordpress.com/ http://www.twitter.com/CupidsCoach Meet us by video: http://tinyurl.com/y9tlhr3 Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach Awarded “Best Matchmaker” by iDate & OPW, 2010
Is my MATCH living in another state? Maybe! These are fascinating, and very exciting times for personal matchmakers. Why? Because for matchmakers the world is shrinking every single day. Five years ago our Cupid’s Coach personal matchmaking clients were primarily all Los Angelinos, but these days I’ve had my traveling shoes on. Cupid’s Coach has two fabulous new clients in Utah, both successful and beautiful female business owners, and earlier this month we gathered recruiters and affiliates in San Diego to expedite our search for several clients there. I just returned from Vancouver B.C. where I met with a phenomenal new client who will be meeting stellar gentlemen in her favorite cities throughout Canada and the U.S. Oh, and our Wyoming client — He’s so scrumptious. We’re conducting a nationwide search to find his sweetie (If you’re an adorable 35-45 year old woman who’d love to be introduced to a real cowboy in the grand state of Wyoming, then by all means, get registered with us at we can refer you to him as a candidate. 
http://www.CupidsCoach.com. These past few weeks we’ve arranged first dates for our clients in Cincinnati, Orange County, La Quinta, Chicago, San Francisco, New York and Seattle. We’ve orchestrated magical dates for clients in London, Hawaii, Singapore, Toronto, and there’s one in the works at the moment for Sydney. Like I said, for professional matchmakers, the world is shrinking. The largest folder housed in my computer is my Affiliates Folder. Translated to non matchmaker terminology, that means Competitors. Yet I’m pleased to report that we don’t have any! – All of the other matchmakers and dating coaches whom I’ve been gathering and schmoozing for the past 20 years (the good ones mind you) these are my colleagues, not my competitors. We synergistic and help each other all the time. Because we’re all on the same mission, which is finding for our client the perfect match. Take my good friend and colleague Patti Stanger, founder of The Millionaires Club; Patti and I have been working side by side for ten years referring clients back and forth. Female clients are a rarity for Patti, whereas at Cupid’s Coach, serving women is our specialty. How is it all the matchmakers come together? That would be at the Matchmakers Conference coming up this October. I have had the privilege and honor of co-producing and emcee’ing the conference which is in its fourth year. It’s the one place on the planet where dating coaches and personal matchmakers gather to discuss and literally evolve the business and the art of matchmaking. If you’re in the dating or matchmaking industry or would like to be? Join us: http://www.matchmakersconference.com/conference/introduction/index.php So just in case you wonder if the ideal match for you might not be in your immediate stomping grounds, not to worry…we matchmakers have the world pretty well covered… Over 1000 marriages and many more success stories Cupid’s Coach – We would love to create your next experience. Sign up for our Newsletter /BLOGS
“Uhm, JULIE, are those dating shows on Reality TV real or fake?” “Is that cute guy Guile you’re setting up on “The Match Off” really single and available?”
It was amazing to me how many people inquired about my current upcoming TV appearance on “The Match Off”. “Are these men and women we’re seeing on reality TV actors, are they faking it all for the screen? Or are they The Real Deal?”
The Cupid’s Coach Team had so much fun filming our segment of NBC’S “The Match Off”. My hubby, Gil and I have done hundreds of dating and matchmaking related film and TV shoots for the nearly 20 years 
we’ve been in the luv biz, and our experience with NBC was fantastic. Five days of filming for a 30-minute show ought to give you an idea of the extensive work that goes into the production of a reality TV show. Not to mention the hours of office work, behind the scenes to find the talent.
Well, I can’t speak for all of the reality shows in production at the moment, but I can tell you the honest to goodness truth about how we did the casting for our segment of The Match Off. It was no easy feat.
When working with a TV show, we never have the lead time we want, so it’s always a mad scramble to pull together a great date for the single love seeker who’s being featured. Typically I have six months to a year to work with a particular matchmaking client, incorporating tons of dating coaching, ongoing feedback, recruiting activities, and a series of introductions — all enabling me to continually refine and tweak our strategy for the client. But when making magic happen for TV, matchmaking needs to be done much more quickly.
To lasso a great match for Guile? We had two days. Yowza! Fortunately, with over 17,000 single love seekers privately registered with Cupid’s Coach, we have a big advantage, and isolating a group of 100 or so young cuties, all adorable and in their 20′s wasn’t really a struggle. But finding one whom we felt he would be attracted to and interested in? Who might just go for him too? And then the real trick — finding one who fit all of our criteria AND who was willing to bring her love life into focus on national TV. Whoa baby, that’s when the potential candidate list takes a real hit. 9 out of 10 say “No way!”
Being the dating and coaching experts that we are, we braced ourselves and really focused on those we felt would fit the Guile bill. Many fell off our radar because of schedule conflicts, bunches of them lacked the “wow” factor when we met with them in person, and we just didn’t think bachelor Guile would “go” for them. Are you beginning to see why casting for these shows might just be a full time job? But we did it. We found a gorgeous, fun, athletic girl named Veronica. You’ll see her tonight on NBC’s “The Match Off”, 7:30 p.m. in LA, and then again after “Saturday Night Live” at 1 a.m. We loved the whole experience.
Cupids Coach Julie Ferman advice for the week
My client, Marcy is concerned that the man she’s scheduled to meet this week is passionate about skiing, and typically heads to the mountains several times a year for quick getaways. She’d much rather escape to Cabo or Maui. She is very confused as she likes everything else about him. So she called me this morning and asked if she should cancel her date with him on Wednesday night.
Q: Julie, he’s a Skier, I’m a total beach girl. Wow, are we compatible?
Here’s what this personal matchmaker had to say about the issue:
A: “Marcy, don’t be too concerned that Russell has an activity passion that you don’t share. Not all of his travel excursions are ski trips. He just showed me photos from his recent excursion to Thailand and Singapore. You have a lot more in common that you might think; you both love exploring foreign cultures and getting off the beaten path when you travel. Absolutely go on this date. Surely you’ll discover activities that you can enjoy doing together on a typical weekend in LA or while away on vacation. Many adventures await.”
Let’s share, shall we!
I shared a cute example with Marcy that helped her put this issue in perspective. One of the couples we introduced through Cupid’s Coach had a similar situation – he’s a competitive water skier and she’s not a “boat person” and even gets sea sick on the boat dock. They’ve worked around it really well and enjoy being together most every weekend, often at the lake where he keeps his boat. She loves to cook and entertain, and she’s also a quilter. Surely a passion he doesn’t share. While he’s on the water, typically all day on Saturdays, she’s got something yummy cooking in the kitchen, listening to her favorite classical music (which he finds yawn worthy…) and she gets to work on her quilts, thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet that his beautiful lake house provides for her. They love their romantic dinners there together and often entertain old and new friends on the deck overlooking the water at sunset. She commented to me in their holiday card this past year how surprised she was to have fallen in love with a boating enthusiast!!
I love to hear these creative solutions to what some might see as a barrier or a problem. We’re in a new age folks, wake up and smell the salt water. It’s time to keep thinking outside the box, look for ways to work around potential challenges. Remember, relationships are full of obstacles and opportunities to stretch, grow, adapt, and innovate. Practice these skills during every aspect of dating, especially early on in the initial courting phase.
My husband Gil is Venice all day today at a paddle tennis tournament, thank God, because I am enjoying my new puppy Biscuit who is nibbling at my feet, a fragrant candle is burning to my right, birdies are chirping outside, and a gorgeous breeze is floating in from the patio. I LOVE spending my morningsin this delicious way, all by myself with all one and a half million of you.
Later this afternoon I’ll head to my office to meet with clients and then I’ll enjoy the blessing that my Bikram Yoga practice is. By the way, Gil would rather have bamboo shoots up his nails than practice yoga. This evening, he and I will have a sweet evening walk and dinner together, as usual. I’m not sure we’d have survived twenty years of marriage if we were together ALL the time… 
I happen to love skiing, and yet have been unable to get away from my work to join him on the mountain trips these past few years. He takes our son Kevin with him and they love this time they spend alone together. There will be other ski trips for the two of us in the future. And maybe, just maybe I’ll get Gil to visit my family in Missouri again. And he just might be willing to give up a tennis tournament for a horseback trip with me one of these weekends. Marriage is full of opportunities to compromise.
What about you? How have you worked around activity interest conflicts?
I’d love to hear how you might have creatively dealt with this issue.
With much love,
Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach
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Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach Awarded “Best Matchmaker” by iDate & OPW, 2010
My Client, Diana asked me today if each of the 1144 women I’ve married off is partnered with a “taller” man. Here’s my response. If you’ve been wrestling with the Height Issue, or if you’ve been operating in a hard and fast way about it…I’d say…take another look.
Hubby Gil and I have been bringing couples together since 1990, and we’ve seen lots and lots of happy pairings with people who have bent or stretched on their height preferences and in doing so…took home the prize.
This is the very reason why I push on The Height Issue — because I’ve seen so many couples surmount the obstacle. In Diana’s case, she’s 5’8 and she’s been frustrated that the 5’10 and 5’11 men whom we’ve introduced to her thus far just don’t seem tall enough or big enough for her preferences. She wants to “feel” feminine and protected by her guy, and she experiences that much moreso when she’s with a man who’s at least a six footer. Also she likes to wear heels, as many women do, and while I fully respect and understand and support her preferences, I don’t like to turn away her suitor who’s interested, attracted, jazzed to meet her, and who meets all of her other critical criteria, short of…um…an inch or two.
The average height of an American male is 5’9. And it’s a common preference for women of all shapes and sizes to want her partner to be a tall man. I’m currently working proactively for a woman who’s 5’4 and another who’s a tiny 5’1 and they both tell me they much prefer a man who’s 6′ or taller. So…as you might imagine, the super tall men are more “in demand” and typically have lots more women available to them from which to choose. It’s harder to find these tall men, and it’s also harder sometimes to get them to commit to one woman, as they’ve got so many options. Truly… Same goes for the men who are super successful — it’s just a matter of “romantic market value” unfortunately.
So I feel it’s my duty and responsibility while my client is here with me to help her learn about the benefits of stretching on secondary, less critical criteria. It’s always OK with me if the client chooses not to bend or stretch, as long as he or she knows that we’re doing our part to provide the most fitting introductions we’re capable of lining up, and also as long as our client is willing to engage with us in these coaching discussions, making an effort to really explore the issues and meet us half-way in giving those who are interested and attracted a real shot.
Here’s Candi’s story. She’s a LOT like Diana. Candi and I were classmates in high school and later, in her 30′s, she became my matchmaking client in St. Louis. She’s 5’10, and was a size 8-10 — in good shape, but definitely a bigger girl. At the time when she signed on with me, Candi was insistent that her guy be at least 6’0 and a big man, clearly someone who’d “outweigh” her. Oh, and she also refused to date a guy who was balding or who had facial hair of any kind. These criteria all on top of her other requirements that he be well educated, successful, fun, and funny, and on go for marriage and having kids. Candi’s a nice looking girl, who always had a lot going for her, but she’s admittedly never been a Penelope Cruz or Cameron Diaz. It was a tough six months Candi and I spent searching together, with lots of extra coaching sessions and emails, and there were times when I thought she’d just walk away, thinking we just didn’t “get it” about who she is and the type of person she wanted to be with. But…we were childhood friends, so she hung in there with me, giving me and my (sometimes annoying) coaching and guidance the benefit of the doubt.
Midstream Candi’s company transferred to Washington D.C. and was thrown into a new office where she worked with a consultant named Bruce on an all-consuming project. They worked late nights together for months, and in the process, they got really comfortable with each other. Whereas initially she didn’t think twice about Bruce as a romantic contender, they eased into a wonderful friendship, and then…one day…on yet another late night work session, their eyes locked in a way they hadn’t ever before.
I just read this month in our school Class Notes update that Bruce and Candi have been married for 15 years now, they’ve got two kids together and she’s a loving step-mom to his daughter from his prior marriage. They’re both political analysts and have what they call a “dream life” in Virginia together with their 3 kids, their dogs, and their co-mingled work projects. Bruce is what she calls “5’10 on a tall day” and after having lost most of his hair, he now shaves it all off and she loves the look. She even reports kinda liking the goatee he tends to sport in the wintertime for ski season.
It’s stories like Candi’s that cause me to err on the side of being the pushy matchmaker, as I don’t want to see my client being the girl on the sidelines years later, wondering where all of the “good” men are. I’ve got files and files full of women who will only date the tall guy, and so, so, so many of them are still single, years later.
So, if I’m just a tad bit annoying about this particular topic, this is why. I want each and every person who’s seeking loving relationship to have every opportunity to create it as a reality. When evaluating your romantic prospects, just keep focusing on the three of four qualities or characteristics that truly matter to you personally, and if these critical elements do exist in your current prospect…well then by all means, spend some time together and see what you think, see how you feel.
I’d love to hear from some of you who’ve also experienced love working quite nicely with someone who seemed “off type” for you initially. Email me your stories. I”m all ears.