Posts Tagged ‘Dating’
What an honor and joy is to be acknowledged by our clients and industry colleagues. Many thanks to Marc Lesnick, Mark Brooks and to all of the dating executives and individuals who supported us with their votes.
Personal matchmaking is an art that continues to evolve with our rapidly changing culture. We’re delighted to witness eLove’s perpetual growth and expansion — creating and developing innovative solutions for love-seekers nationally and beyond.
The challenge for today’s single men and women? Our culture has never been more complex — seniors re-entering the dating scene, single millionaire women perplexed as to how to find a suitable and satisfying romantic partner, aspiring husbands and hopeful future fathers engaged in the highly competitive chase for the young, gorgeous, fertile female… oh my…it’s tough out there.
The good news? The Matchmakers Conference at iDate2012 in Miami revealed plenty of it… There’s never been a better time for single love seekers, as we’re seeing consistent innovation from these industry leaders who spend every day enabling relationships for our subscribers, members, and clients. Highlights from this year’s Matchmaker Conference:
Chance Barnett illuminated for us how to create and build relationship with the individuals we’re touching digitally, turning eyeballs into friends, subscribers, members, customers and clients through personal, open-hearted messaging. David Wygant and Marni Battista showed us what it’s REALLY like to be a dating coach, and we were thrilled to see the Best Dating Coach award graciously accepted by Evan Marc Katz.
New and aspiring boutique / niche matchmakers were inspired by Michelle Jacoby and Laurie Berzack, who make the business of matchmaking look almost…easy.
Singles events, networking events, building community — This art was demonstrated beautifully by Renee Piane, who inspired us to keep throwing parties, or to partner with those who do this well.
Dr. Tranquility, Lydia Belton showed us how to capture media attention and Jim Loser with Universal Guardian UGA offered up financing solutions for our clients.
The Matchmakers Conference at iDate will continue to be the one place where matchmakers from around the world convene to inspire and educate each other. It is through these kinds of conferences that the dating and matchmaking industry literally evolves and grows. To those who attended, it was great to see you.
We are lining up speakers for idate2013 — if you’d like to be considered, email Julie@CupidsCoach.com
Every now and then a holiday season rolls around and yet life seems to have dumped a pile of ho-hums on the old doorstep. Someone you love is sick, your BFF is mad at you, a relationship recently fell apart, someone let you down – life has thrown you off balance and you’re feeling hollow, sad, anxious, or just plain BLAH.
Even the most cheerful, upbeat, positive people have Bah Humbug moments. What to do? Here’s what this matchmaker and dating coach suggests…
First thing? Just acknowledge it. Go ahead, say it out loud. “I’m having a Bah Humbug Moment! I’m supposed to be all festive, happy and cheery and instead I feel more like crawling under a rock and hiding until springtime.” Congrats – you just woke up to what’s real for you. Great. You’re half way through.
Next thing – do something physical, outdoors preferably (a vigorous walk works for me) to get your blood flowing, and make it your mission to notice something beautiful, lovely, fresh, and new while on your mind-clearing adventure.
Then, return to the safest, warmest, most inspiring place in your home where you tend to experience your ahhhhhh moments. For me it’s the swing in my yard, a sunny spot just out of range of ringing phones and doorbells. Bring a pen (a nice one that actually works) and your journal (a legal pad will do) and make your list. The list of things you’re currently grateful to have in your life. Keep writing, keep adding to this list until you experience a shift, an energetic shift.
Now — pick someone in your life to love on, someone to reach out to with a card, a gift, a phone call, or plan an unexpected visit. The best way I know to get rid of the blaaaaahs is to get into Active Loving Mode, by practicing the art of unconditional and selfless love.
At the moment I’m stuck with a yukky cold, my eldest son moved out of the house (boo hoo) and my work load is daunting. I guess I have a bit of the Bah Humbugs too. So I’m gonna walk my talk. Back in a few…
OK, it’s an hour later. Biscuit and I walked the neighborhood, my gratitude list is two journal pages long (I used my favorite fancy pen), and I picked the person I want to love on. It’s my Mama. I called her just to check in and spread some love and I told her that I’m booking my flights to come see her for her birthday in February and I’m bringing her grandson. It totally made her day. And you know what? I feel lots better.
Now? It’s your turn. Email me to let me know how YOU transformed your Holiday Blues / Bah Humbug Moment. I’ll be interested to hear what worked for you.
Are our “communication devices” helping single love seekers connect? Or are they getting in our way?
Well….the answer is….Both. Tips here on how to use ‘em or lose ‘em in dating.
Lots of comments in my email box this weekend about how these handy and helpful devices are actually keeping men and women from communicating and connecting with each other. Puzzling, isn’t it? Examples…..
Candice got bent out of shape because Jonathan texted her when she would have preferred to hear his voice. She thinks texting is lame and rude….
Sam was really jazzed to meet Caroline and called her to ask her out for dinner and instead of reaching her or a recording of her sweet, welcoming voice he got the “voice mail has not been set up” roadblock.
Traffic was keeping Mark from being his typically punctual self for Friday’s first date with Jennifer. Wisely, he had her cell number with him, but when he called it to let her know he’d be late the call went to voice mail (the darn Crackberry didn’t ring for some reason) and she sat there at the cafe for 30 minutes….stewing….getting more anxious by the moment. She didn’t think to check her messages.
I sent Gloria out on a flirting expedition on Saturday morning to practice smiling and holding eye contact with the adorable men in her neighborhood and she was defeated by the competition — all the cute boys’ eyes were locked in on their iphones and she couldn’t catch attention from….anyone.
Catherine was thoroughly excited about her second date with Mike and it was beautifully orchestrated — the perfect al fresco dining experience overlooking the yachts in Marina Del Rey. She won’t get a third date. Wanna know why? She had her iphone on the table all evening and every time it buzzed she couldn’t resist; she had to check it. It buzzed…a lot… The impression Mike took away? She’s not really interested in him. Her email box is more important to her than finding a meaningful relationship with a man — a man who is right there with her, courting her, ready and eager to connect with her. She missed her chance to develop relationship with this man, who is…was….a really fitting and motivated suitor. Does this make your friendly neighborhood matchmaker a little bit sad? Yeah….it really does.
The worst part is, folks, she IS interested in him and she’s just fallen into the trap that our communication devices have become for us.
Tips for how to keep your cell phone from ruining your love life:
Turn it off. Completely. When you are on a date, turn the darned thing off altogether. Got kids? Got work challenges? Me too. Check in with those pesky interruptors just before your date (or any important appointment) to make sure they’re OK and let them know you’ll be out of touch for an hour or so. Create these healthy boundaries with the special people in your life. 98% of these oh-so-teasing calls, texts, and emails are not in any way urgent. Let them go…..deal with them later….. Give your date the present of your presence. Works like magic. I promise.
Learn how to use your phone. Ask any teenager to help you figure out how to set up you voice mail, check messages, retrieve your messages, send and receive texts….if we’re going to have one of these “magical” devices we have a responsibility (to ourselves and to the lovely people in our lives) to learn how to use it.
Is your NAME in your voice mail greeting? Is it your voice speaking? It should be. Otherwise how will Jack know he’s left his message with the right Jill? Have you listened to your own voice mail greeting lately? Do you sound cold or annoyed? I surely hope not!
Most importantly, cut each other some slack. Accept the reality that each of us has our preferred methods of giving and receiving communication. Practice being flexible and understanding with each other. Let people know what works for you. Do you like text messages? Do you need to hear a real live voice? If the buzzing cell phone on the dinner table is bugging you, can you find a way to communicate what you need and want, instead of just getting grumpy about it?
Carol did it this way — After she lost Bruce’s attention to his iphone several times during the first 10 minutes of their date, she playfully swatted it (like a fly) and he responded instantly by turning the silly thing off. Smart move, Bruce! The rest of the date went really well and Bruce and Carol will be meeting again for dinner…tonight…at her place. YAY! Humanity wins over machinery. I love it.
Got tips to share about how we can keep our cell phones from running and ruining our lives? Send them on to me. Julie@CupidsCoach.com
This morning’s post-date feedback from our Cupid’s Coach personal matchmaking clients is revealing some fun first date and second date ideas. Some of our matchmaking clients are really being creative, thinking outside the coffee shop for their dating adventures. Here’s what some of our Cupid’s Coach Clients have been up to.
Katherine and Josh are both devoted, enthusiastic dog owners and I love what they did for their second date. They met at a dog park, mid way between their homes and they each brought drinks and edibles to share. The date stretched into the evening, at a sweet little outdoor cafe, the dogs tied up at their feet. Reportedly the dogs are having a love affair too and have been invited on Date Number Three, same dog park, next week after work.
Mara is on a special diet and she didn’t want to appear overly fussy or high maintenance on her date with Jake. They both enjoy adventurous dining and we had them meet up at a Mongolian Barbeque spot, where she could easily and without any fuss at all carefully choose the exact ingredients she wanted, without having to be “a pain” to the waiter or the chef in the kitchen. It was a fun, casual, relaxed first date and it went off without a hitch.
Liz had a corporate event to attend and she needed to bring a plus-one. She’s been dating plenty, but….there’s no one who’s really surfaced as a romantic interest, so she invited a guy named Rob whom she’d met a couple of months back through our agency, Cupid’s Coach. She had just one date with him and thought he was “nice enough” but, no real sparks. But he’s social and fun to be with and she had a feeling he’d “show well” at the event, where her boss and co-workers would be in attendance. Interestingly, this morning’s post date evaluation revealed that there IS some romantic potential for the two of them. She and Rob had a really fun time together — relaxed, no-pressure (maybe because they had already determined that they would just be “friends”…) and whatdyaknow, romance sparks were indeed flying for the two of them and they’ll be getting together for a hike next weekend.
And my favorite Cupid’s Coach date this weekend was in a plane — Matt is a pilot and he flew Monica to San Diego for lunch and a visit to the San Diego zoo yesterday for their third date. Gotta love it.
Make all of your dates an adventure. Meet on a picnic bench overlooking the water, head to the bowling alley, the street fair, the ferris wheel, the art walk, or a poetry reading.
As my mascot and cherished mother-in-law, Feisty Frieda Ferman says, only boring people are ever bored. Let that never be you…on a date…
Send in your favorite date ideas — we love to read them!
Julie Ferman
If you’re reading this, you’re probably single at the moment, and you’re courageous enough to be “out there” dating. Excellent. It takes courage, doesn’t it?
Part of my mission as Cupid’s Coach is to consistently bring to your experience of dating more fun and more life-enriching opportunities as you move forward in your journey toward loving relationship.
What do you do, or maybe a better question is what should you do when you experience a Dating Disappointment? When things go….just…badly?
Our personal matchmaking community is like a laboratory — we get to study a challenging and mysterious piece of our Client’s world (the Love Life) under a microscope to see what’s happening. We get to see how our Client deals with the good and the not-so-good things that are woven into the dating adventure.
Over these past twenty years as a matchmaker and dating coach, I’ve learned that how someone shows up here in our community is also very often a reflection of how they are being out there in their lives in general. Good, bad, and sometimes ugly…
Every little thing that happens along the way in your dating process is an opportunity to practice — Practice what? Practice the very skills you’ll need to be successful in the relationship you’re looking to find for yourself.
Think of a couple whose relationship you truly admire. Got one? Me too. So let’s ask ourselves what admirable qualities they’re demonstrating in their partnership. How are they being with each other? And then we can practice bringing those qualities to our relationships, both old and new. Even on and especially on a date., even when and especially when…things go badly.
How are you handling mishaps? If you’re dating you can count on them, and in relationship, even the best of them, we know there will be disappointments. Let’s take a look at how you’re managing the ups and downs along the way.
When you’re on time and your date is late — do you choose to get angry or do you roll with the punches and keep your cool? Whenever we’re stuck waiting, be it at the doctor’s office or in freeway traffic, it’s an opportunity to practice patience, understanding, flexibility and compassionate communication. Are you the one honking your horn? Or are you the one taking the deep breath, smiling, being the courteous to everyone, even those who are in your way?
When you’re thrown off balance by the turn the road just gave you, practice breathing and find something to appreciate, smile or laugh about. Bringing these skills with you into your future relationship will enable love to flourish. Practice taking those deep breaths…now…and all along the way in your journey toward loving partnership.
Has someone you were interested in disappointed you? Maybe things went well on a date and you expected there would be another date happening and….poof….the vanishing act. How are you handling it when the person you’re interested in isn’t demonstrating the level of interest you’d like to see? Do you find yourself getting angry, shutting down, allowing negativity, bitterness, unhappiness or insecurity to creep in or maybe take over?
Bruce’s date, last Monday evening. Susan was late. She had written down 5:30, he’d written down 5:00 — and traffic was bad besides — Bruce called her after waiting for 20 minutes, she realized her mistake and apologized. He handled it just right — he made some calls, replied to a few emails, and… he kept his cool…even though he’d been waiting at the restaurant for 45 minutes by the time she arrived. And you know what happened? They had a really nice date and she was so appreciative of his graciousness, she’s having him over for a Memorial Day dinner at her place tonight. A mishap that served as an opportunity to strengthen (vs. derail) the match. Nicely done, you two…it’s a great night for an al fresco dinner date.
What do you do when you’re disappointed? I’m practicing responding postively to life’s mishaps so that each and every bump in the road provides an opportunity for growth and for contribution. It’s not always easy, of course, but I’m enjoying learning how to do that just a little bit better.
Amy really liked Don and thought their first date had gone so well, ending with what she described as “an electrifying kiss” and his suggestion that they get together again. A week later, not having heard from him, she wondered what she should do — Sit tight? Email him? Call him? Extend an invitation? Dr. Pat Allen would say she should sit tight, do nothing, wait for him to resurface, wait weeks in fact. Some dating experts would say it’s fine for her to reach out to him. Here’s what Amy did — she shared with me that she tends to get discouraged and her spirits can fall when she’s waiting for a guy to call her. She also knows that being outside when the weather is great makes her happy….every time….so she extended by email a last minute opportunity to some of her pals to join her for a sunset hike today, and at the last moment, before hitting the “send” button, she added in Don as a recipient. And guess who’s the ONLY person who could attend? Right. Amy and Don are hiking Busch Canyon this afternoon. Right now, in fact.
Both of these dates are happening…right…now. That’s the kind of success that warm this matchmaker’s heart.
When things go well, are you noticing? Are you smiling? Are you looking for opportunities to express gratitude and to reciprocate with generosity? And when things don’t go well, how are you making lemonade happen? I’d love to hear some of your stories about how you’ve turned a dating disappointment into something worthwhile or even magical.
Keep on loving out there. And Happy Memorial Day to you and to everyone who matters to you.
Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach
“I’m a successful professional woman, recognized and respected in my field — should I reveal or hide this on a first date?”
My female client who asked this question — she’s Jennifer, recently divorced, mid-fifties, re-entering the dating world for the first time in decades. She’s had a high level of success professionally and tends to “lead” with this aspect of who she is when describing herself.
Who she is as a working woman is a big part of her identity, of who she has become, and it’s natural for her to seek recognition and respect for her achievements. But…will “leading” with this side of her be attractive and effective on a first date?
Successful, strong, powerful women are flocking to personal matchmakers in droves, and many of these modern day women are struggling with this issue, so we’ll address this question out loud in today’s Sunday Morning Blog .
Ladies, when you are having a first date with a man, you’re not on a job interview…you’re looking to find your way into a loving partnership with a man whose life you have the opportunity to enhance and enrich. When you’re on a first date you’re interviewing for the position of loving partner, supportive soulmate, playmate and best friend.
Before you walk into that first date venue ask yourself, “Is he looking to hire a business consultant? Is he looking to invest in your company?” The answer is…Nope. He’s hoping he’ll meet a woman he’ll want to add to his life — someone who will be his soft place to land at the end of his day and whose love and support will give him reason to be the provider/protector masculine man he wants and needs to be.
The man Jennifer will be meeting at that lovely Italian restaurant tonight? He’s hoping to find a woman who will love and respect and appreciate HIS masculinity and his accomplishments. He’s hoping she can and will admire who HE is as a man.
What do men love about women? It’s our femininity that allows for and provides the contrast and the context for his masculine self to show up and shine. If she takes up that space by leading with her resume of professional accomplishments….there’s not much room for him to be the guy she hopes he’ll be and who he needs and wants to be.
Now, it’s very likely that he’ll be thoroughly impressed by what he learns of her professional life…however, it’s smart for her to allow these morsels of information to come out…little by little…later….after he’s already determined that she has the feminine qualities that he first and foremost wants, needs and craves from the woman in his life.
Femininity — first and foremost, that’s what he’s hoping to find and respond to on this date.
The more masculine she wants and hopes her man will be, the more important it is for her to present and lead with the feminine aspects of her personality. Today’s strong, accomplished female professionals are often frustrated to the point of anger and bitterness (so…not… sexy) as they are having trouble finding, attracting, and keeping “quality” men in their lives, so this question Jennifer asked me today is timely and perfect.
It’s natural for a woman to want to be with a man who out-mans her. Is there a scarcity of men who out-man today’s highly accomplished female professionals? Yep, and the reason is twofold — because first off, there are SO many highly educated, professional, accomplished, successful man-like women here in our big American cities. And secondly these ladies are not realizing that by “leading” with their masculine, they’re becoming invisible…or worse…they’re turning off or repelling the very men they’re hoping to attract.
If you’re a woman who would love to be with a man who has intelligence, success and financial strength, then listen up. This kind of man will naturally want to be respected and admired and appreciated for these masculine traits. Appreciation is key. You’ll get farther with this kind of man by showing HIM sincere respect, admiration, and appreciation for HIS accomplishments….vs. having the conversation focused on what YOU have accomplished. Make sense?
Lead with your feminine side while dating ladies…bring with you on that date a big, beautiful smile and your little girl curiosity, eager to unwrap the gift, the present that this wonderful man is for you – whether you get to be with him for an hour or a week or a month or a lifetime.
Practice being in the present, practice being interested (not interesting) and have fun digging for treasures as you get to know all about him, his world, the parts of his life that HE is proud of. Fun assignment, huh? Practice…
If you’re interested in being with a strong, smart, successful man, lead with the parts of your personality and character and presence that are likely to be lovely in his eyes. Practice being the kind of woman who makes him feel like the man he wants to be. Ladies, we have so much more power than we realize over how a man shows up in our presence. It’s complex, and it’s so much fun to explore.
My suggestion to Jennifer about tonight’s date with Mark — While it’s fine for her to touch lightly upon her work life, I asked her to consciously practice bringing the focus back to the softer topics, which will likely stir up the possibility for an emotional connection, the domain of the heart.
She’s a smart woman whose mind is easily stimulated…she can have that experience with a good book. But while on a date and indeed, anytime and anyplace she finds herself in the company of an interesting man, I’d like to see her practicing leading with her feminine.
And so I’ll challenge all ladies who are listening, and myself today too. Let’s allow our smiles, our giggles, our sense of wonder, our sparkle, our loving and playful spirits to lead. That’s what today’s modern day masculine man is starved for — he’s not looking for a mirror image of himself, he is wanting his compliment.
Today’s professional women – we think that our success, power, wealth, smarts, education — that it’s intimidating to men. I think that’s the wrong word. I think what’s more accurate is that when we “lead” with our masculine strength, it’s just simply off-putting to the very men we’re hoping to attract. It’s a buzz kill for him. If while on a date there’s no room for HIS masculinity to be admired, respected and appreciated…well…he’ll just kinda sit there appearing to be…no one special, he’ll back off or slink away or disappear, and she’ll never get to see his masculine side. And this makes a man really sad too, when a first date falls flat – he leaves with his head hanging low…he wanted to be the guy, but there wasn’t any room for him to be that guy for her. She took up all of the masculine space.
On this upcoming first date that we have scheduled tonight with Mark and Jennifer, I’m suggesting that Jennifer make the conscious choice to steer the conversation to these areas of her life that will likely perk him right up…I’d like to see her tantalize his senses with fun, playful, upbeat banter not on work related topics, but rather on some of their many shared passions – they both love the arts, theatre, film, music, concerts, design, architecture, and history. I’d like to hear that the conversation centered around their shared appreciation for organic foods, the mysteries and delights of a fine cabernet, the ultimate chocolate chip cookie, the joyful experience she had yesterdaysharing her favorite childrens book with her niece in her lap – It’s my hope that she’ll play on her senses and we’ll see if she can create an emotional and experiential connection with Mark.
I’ll be the fly on the wall in the restaurant tonight, watching to see how they do together… Thanks for engaging with us on this topic. Your comments and questions? Do share…
With love,
Julie Ferman, Chief Relationship Expert
eLove & Cupid’s Coach
Over 1000 marriages and many more success stories
Cupid’s Coach – We would love to create your next experience.
OK folks, it’s time for me to address my least favorite word. CHEAP. I don’t even like to use the word “hate” but…I’ve gotta tell ya, I have reached a point where I do really hate the word CHEAP. It puts the person who’s using the word in a really poor light, in an ugly light…and I think ugly behavior is far worse…
Cheap is a term that I find rarely used by men. In my world as a professional matchmaker and dating coach, I often see women dismissing a man far too quickly if she senses that he’s frugal – if he is in her estimation “tight” with money. What’s frugal? Anyone who’s not jazzed to spend money the way she wants him to.
Classic example: Upon leaving the restaurant on Date Number Two with John, a successful business consultant, Claudia was miffed that he didn’t offer to spring for her valet parking. She’s concluded that he is “cheap” and wrote to me this morning saying she’s decided not to see him again.
What? Now, I happen to know that this past week John has treated this woman, Claudia to a lovely lunch at the Bel Air Hotel and he picked up a hefty dinner bill last night in Brentwood, driving across town to meet in her on both occasions. Claudia is divorced, no kids, her earnings as a CPA are comparable to his, and she receives a sizable alimony check each month from her ex. What Claudia likely doesn’t know is that John’s covering the bill for two kids in college, he’s funding his mom’s nursing care, he pays alimony to his ex, and his salary has been cut during the economic downturn. John’s a guy who is sincerely seeking long-term relationship, and whereas plenty of single men these days limit their exposure by suggesting coffee dates, John regularly opts for lunch or dinner dates with the women who intrigue him, and he never grumbles about picking up the restaurant tab.
He didn’t pounce on her valet parking ticket? She should have grabbed his ticket and graciously welcomed the opportunity to share in the expense of their date. She should be looking for an opportunity to spring for theatre tickets or to bring a gorgeous picnic lunch to the beach for their next date.
You want generosity ladies? Demonstrate it. Bring him a sweet little gift, offer to put the wear and tear on your car vs. his, invite him over for a beautifully prepared meal or use your precious points for the airline tickets or the hotels on your first vacation together.
Jacqueline complained because Bruce ordered the least expensive bottle of wine on the menu. Jennifer was irritated that Brian suggested drinks and appetizers at the bar vs. a full out meal. Amanda quickly dismissed Stuart because he had commented about the price of entrees on the menu (she had suggested they dine at Maestros – he’d never been there, and didn’t realize he had signed up for a $200 dining adventure.) Suzanne was turned off because Glen used a 2 for 1 entrée coupon.
Ladies, this behavior is gross…I say, single women who are dating should either happily offer to spring for the bill on occasion, or they should casually offer cash or throw in a credit card to share the expense, or they should just zip their lip and express sincere appreciation for the investment that her suitor is making in getting to know her. Even if it’s a lousy cup of coffee at a deli.
Gil and I have been married for 20 years, and he is admittedly one of the “tighter” dudes on the planet. If it weren’t for Gil’s insistence that we be cautious (annoyingly cautious sometimes, I’ll confess) about our spending habits, we would surely have lost our house in the financial crisis, as so many other families have. As it is, we’re doing just fine, we have learned to share expenses in partnership, and we’re building our future together. We actually have fun looking for money stretching opportunities. Is clipping coupons sexy? Well, sure – if you consider mutual support and sharing to be sexy, and I do.
Here’s what I’ve learned works really well. Just plan on the likelihood that you and the man you’re dating will have differences in how you deal with money. An expenditure that seems reasonable or important to you might be a frivolity or an indulgence to him. How to get around it? Make deals about who pays for what, be flexible, practice generosity, and above all…resist the temptation to “peg” a man as being cheap if his spending habits and preferences are different than yours
My sister’s coming into town for a visit next month. Having the carpets and the windows cleaned — I just know this is really low on Gil’s list of things to fund. And it’s important to me, so I’ll take care of it. No fanfare, no arguments, just something I’ll quietly cover, because it’s important to me.
My Client Travis is a very successful real estate investor who lives in a lovely home in Malibu. He likes his creature comforts, drives a serious sports car, always dresses well – he’s the picture of Mr. Desirable, and he’s especially sensitive to the Gold Digger factor. He shared with me his red flag – if he’s five or six dates into a new relationship with a woman he’s dating and she’s never demonstrated an inkling of generosity herself, well…he’s outta there. The woman he’s dating now handled things just right. She’s invited him to her country club for a round of golf and dinner afterwards, she treated him to the Hollywood Bowl – he knows she’s seeing him for him, not for the goodies he can provide for her.
Take the word CHEAP and discard it from your vocabulary. The millionaire next door might have gotten there by holding onto his cash…
Suzanne is one of my all time favorite personal matchmaking clients, currently topping the success charts here at Cupid’s Coach. At the some-would-say-challenging age of 58, Suzanne is receiving consistently favorable post-date evaluations and she received three invitations for Valentine’s Day last month – count them, three! That’s what I call an admirable situation.
I called Suzanne this morning to pry out her secret for having such a positive dating experience, and she said she’d reveal her strategy, but only if I promised to share it with you, so here’s the share…
Suzanne’s Success Strategy, which she says works 100% of the time. – She claims it’s her mission to Make His Day. When she’s leaving a voice mail message, replying to an email, or in person on the date, she looks for ways to brighten his world and enrich his life. She said, “In other words, ask not what he can do for me or be for me, but rather…what can I be for him? What can I do for him that will Make His Day?”
“Dating” says Suzanne, “is a great opportunity to practice flexibility” as she knows it’s a skill that will serve her well once in relationship. The man she said Yes to for Valentine’s Day was Peter – he raved to me in one of his post date evaluations about how she’s always happy to drive to his neighborhood or to meet him half-way, rather than always expecting him to schlepp to her. He commented also about how refreshing it is to be with a woman who’s game for anything — the upscale restaurant they had in mind for their first date was packed, and they ended up at the deli over soup and an ice cream sundae. He was worried that she’d be disappointed, but she was happy, which made him happy. In fact, her ability to roll with the punches literally made his day.
Peter and Suzanne are seeing each other exclusively now, and I just picked up the most lovely Thank You card from him in the mail. Suzanne is doing lots right, and I’m glad to have this chance to share her success strategies with all of you.
Sheri came to me seeking partnership in April of ‘08. A Manhattan Beach home owner, she’s beautiful, tall, highly accomplished, confident, and secure, I was interested in her and inspired by her from the get-go; she’d already done plenty of inner work, and had just completed Alison Armstrong’s Men and Marriage workshop. My Dream Client.
She did make me nervous though, as her search criteria was super challenging – at 39/40, she was seeking marriage and kids with a tall, fit, youthful, handsome, intelligent, highly successful, generous Jewish man with lots of integrity. He’d be in his late 30’s/early 40’s (I noticed that she really favored the younger, hotter guys), he is at least 5’11, and he is ON GO for marriage and family. She was disillusioned with online dating, was “done” with the player types, and wanted to be with an equal, an accomplished professional who would be comfortable with a highly successful woman.
This is a tough match to make, as this man we’re describing is typically asking me to introduce him to women in their late twenties to early 30’s. This super hot young, studly guy is in the prime of HIS dating life, and figures he’s got one shot at doing marriage and family right. Nervous watching his pals’ tortured divorces, he’s afraid to rush things, so he’s inclined to max out his age limit at around 35, so he and his imaginary sweetheart (whom he’s also…not yet met) will have years to court, have a long, sensible, relaxed engagement, a few years of marital bliss with plenty of travel, fun, and adventure together before diving into diapers and strollers. This all complicated by the fact that HIS super hot late twenties/early thirties target is in the prime of HER dating life, with plenty (and I mean plenty) of suitors. Some of the men Little Miss Young Hottie is dating are actually good prospects, but many are not – they’re more the bad-boy player types but…they are alluring enough to capture her attention, too often wasting her time – time that she doesn’t yet realize is so precious…She doesn’t yet know how dramatically different dating will be for her in just a few short years.
Oh, this stuff is so tricky…
There were sensitive moments and some challenging conversations as Sheri and I engaged together in her search. Some of the men I’d really wanted her to meet I wasn’t able to lasso for her (most often just a matter of the visuals – a guy is either hot for a woman or he’s not) and she had some suitors I liked a lot for her, but…alas they didn’t pique her interest. One of the clients I’d introduced to her had every single quality on her must-have list – and she liked him enough to give him a chance and a second date. For her, that was a lot but…well…he wasn’t game for a second date, claiming he didn’t experience enough of the “wow” factor to pursue her.
Most of my female clients aren’t coming to me hoping for lots and lots of first dates. They’re looking for an instant fix, a short-cut to relationship, a quick and easy perfect, fabulous fit. Sometimes it happens just that way, as it did for my clients Maggy, Claudia and Paulette – each glided effortlessly into a magical love story early on in their search process with us. But, well, this is rare. What’s more common is a series of suitors for our female client to try on first and lots of lessons for her to learn.
In the twenty plus years I’ve been guiding love seekers, I’ve determined that dating is a series of “misses” until the right fit happens. In Sheri’s case, I was frustrated that she wasn’t giving me (and some of the men she was turning down) more chances to play with, try on, and settle into that perfect fit. She was frustrated at times that I wasn’t able to simply deliver the ideal suitor with the snap of my fingers.
But what’s special about Sheri? And what worked for Sheri? She kept looking within, she trusted me, she allowed for the possibility that maybe she had some blind spots that were keeping her from seeing and seizing opportunities. She never stopped being positive. Even when frustrated, even through rejection and disappointment, she kept communicating with me, and she always gave me the benefit of the doubt.
If I’m ever pushy in trying to get my client to stretch, it’s often with a woman who wants to become a mom – I’ll never forget the pressure that this desire places on dating and the love search process for a woman. I have shed those tears. Emergency surgery at age 27 left me fertility challenged, which lead me to the dating service where I met Mr. Ferman. We are thankfully blessed with two boys who are now teenagers and the light of our lives. For women who want to be moms, well, I push them a bit harder to stretch and look closely before turning down a suitor, potentially closing the door on what might be a fine opportunity for marriage and family with a man I know to be truly wonderful.
So, fast forward. It’s a year or so after Sheri and I engaged in her search together. She is currently in love with a man she’d dated a couple of years ago but had “tossed back”, having determined that he wasn’t enough of this or that for her. She’s really happy with him and in her email messages to me there is a sense of calm and peace that truly warms my heart.
She gets it now; a matchmaker’s job is more than just delivering the perfect man, on a silver platter, with a bow around his neck and an engagement ring in his pocket. She understands now that the other necessary and powerful element of our process is the coaching and guidance, the little reality checks along the way.
It’s really, really tough to tell a woman that the guy she’s interested in has passed on the opportunity to meet her because he’s hoping to meet her younger sister or that his type is more “Angelina” than “Jen” – and sometimes, even though I make a sincere effort to deliver the sometimes not-so-great news with sweet sisterly love, there are times when the client reacts with emotion, and literally wants to shoot the messenger, which well, unfortunately, is…me.
But Sheri didn’t do that. You know what she did? She communicated and she engaged fully with me in our dialogues. Today I went back and studied each and every email she’s ever sent to me. There are lots of them. Each one has a very positive tone, even when she was making reference to a disappointment. She was open to learning from our coaching and introduction process. She realized early on in our search that favoring the younger, hotter thirties guy was problematic, and she relaxed her upper age limits a bit. She wrote, “I sooooo enjoyed our coaching session! I learned a lot about myself with you; I have been shooting myself in the foot by attracting/being attracted to such young men! I got a reality check about my age. Thank you for having the courage to have this discussion with me.”
I say, WOW.
So, so, so many women dismiss a man if he doesn’t pursue her in just the way SHE wants him to, or if he seems less than fully ready to commit at that moment in time, when she feels she is completely ready. She’ll cross him off her list, she’ll shoot off to him a nasty email, she’ll delete him from her phone, un-friend him on Facebook, she’ll get all “pissy” about him and she’ll kill him off…FOREVER…, labeling him as a commitment-phobe, uttering under her breath “all men are pigs, isn’t there a decent man left on the planet…” all that yukky self-defeating, negative commentary that she doesn’t realize is tarnishing her own wow factor…
But Sheri didn’t do that. Mid-way through her six-month search with us, she shared with amazement, “I’m developing patience, I am learning so much about myself, and I’m having fun with this process, watching my love life unfold.”
Patience. Oh, my goodness gracious, this is so hard for us girls, especially when we feel ready NOW for love to happen. I find that for a guy to really show up for a woman as a serious suitor, two things need to be present for him — Attraction/chemistry and timing. The timing in HIS life needs to be just right before he will invite a woman into that life. Alison Armstrong helps us understand that men are internally motivated – an idea has to be his, coming from within, in order for it to be a real possibility. So a woman can tease him, flirt with him, chase him, or a matchmaker can try her darndest to light a fire under this guy, but unless HE is motivated by interest and attraction and unless timing in HIS life is right for building a relationship, well… ain’t nuttin’ gonna happen.
Sheri wrote to me about her experience of having been our client, having her love life studied under a microscope by dating experts. Throughout that six month period of time and afterward, Sheri continued to grow, stretch, and explore. She found herself over time making better choices – she ditched a bad boy whose mesmerizing allure had served to clog her pipes for years (who she later learned would rather eat glass than get married), and she was being careful to involve herself only with men whom she deemed were indeed available and sincerely seeking relationship. She did extensive therapy, she lost weight, and she continued to develop her WOW factor, both internally and externally. She reported to me that she’d been dating “better men” than ever before in her life.
Throughout her time with us as a client and afterward, Sheri kept exploring, deepening her understanding of herself. She worked with an energy therapist who helped her dissolve some of the blocks that she learned to see had been hindering her. She was delighted at how open and accepting she was becoming, blossoming into a more loving and lovable person. Often surprised, she watched herself being drawn to some men who were actually “off type” for her – one man not as tall as she preferred, another whose frugal spending habits would have knocked him out of the running a year prior. She was delighted to see herself giving men more of a chance. The reward, she said? “I’m finding as I get to know the guy, he becomes more and more attractive to me! I never realized how much I was limiting myself by quickly dismissing a man without scratching a bit further to get under the surface.”
Sheri sent me an email last week, attaching a photo of this man she’s dating exclusively. This man had 100% of the criteria she was looking for! They’d met a couple of years ago on a trip to Israel and they dated for a while. He’s her age, lives in Boston, and they’d shared some great moments and plenty of chemistry. But at that time there were elements that she felt weren’t exactly perfect, so she had pushed him aside, hoping to find a more ideal fit.
About Mr. Boston? She now writes, “He was pursuing me from the time I met him, but I had SO many things blocking me, try as he might, he couldn’t get to me. I had an expectation of how he should pursue me, and that killed it. It is also true that he has matured and stepped up as a man during our time apart, but the real thing I learned on my journey and I’d want to convey to all single people is the inner work that is required to cause a shift in dating, and to generate different results. I had to do a load of work on myself, and it was worth it! It’s hard for us to see the truth. We want the package, but unless we’re willing to look at our own package, realistically and truthfully, we can’t improve, and we can’t attract that ideal partner. Julie, you helped me see that attraction, chemistry AND timing are all vital ingredients. I dated well over 30 men last year, each with a particular story and each with his own package. I now attract, and am attracted to, healthy, available men. Mr. Boston and me? Neither of us is perfect, but I see that we are the perfect packages for each other. We are now living together and sharing our lives with two puppies, and are on our journey to marriage and creating a family together.”
I am so very happy for Sheri. Her clear vision, her persistence, and her willingness to look, from a different point of view at her dating patterns and behaviors produced for her the result she was seeking. I remember so vividly the rock solid, positive determination she carried with her throughout our process, through both the highs and lows that come with the territory called … dating. She KNEW she’d find him. She worked on developing patience, understanding, flexibility, and acceptance, and she kept her spirits positive throughout, elevating herself above the undercurrent that so very often kills a woman’s wow-factor and, as a result, her chances (negativity, bitterness, disappointment, anger, and resentment.)
From my perspective, Sheri is a pure example of how clear intention, perseverance, and
Consistent positive energy can generate the intended result. She approached her personal love search with seriousness, but with a spirit of adventure and a curiosity that enabled her to look again and again at her decision making process. She turned over lots and lots of stones, investing her time, energy, and resources in the process of bettering her odds and bettering herself. She was smart to always keep her bridges clear and the doors open with current and past love interests, and voila — love ignited – for Sheri and Mr. Boston on their second go-round with each other.
I hope her story inspires you as much as it inspires me.