Archive for the ‘Your Matchmaker's Musings’ Category
Are our “communication devices” helping single love seekers connect? Or are they getting in our way?
Well….the answer is….Both. Tips here on how to use ‘em or lose ‘em in dating.
Lots of comments in my email box this weekend about how these handy and helpful devices are actually keeping men and women from communicating and connecting with each other. Puzzling, isn’t it? Examples…..
Candice got bent out of shape because Jonathan texted her when she would have preferred to hear his voice. She thinks texting is lame and rude….
Sam was really jazzed to meet Caroline and called her to ask her out for dinner and instead of reaching her or a recording of her sweet, welcoming voice he got the “voice mail has not been set up” roadblock.
Traffic was keeping Mark from being his typically punctual self for Friday’s first date with Jennifer. Wisely, he had her cell number with him, but when he called it to let her know he’d be late the call went to voice mail (the darn Crackberry didn’t ring for some reason) and she sat there at the cafe for 30 minutes….stewing….getting more anxious by the moment. She didn’t think to check her messages.
I sent Gloria out on a flirting expedition on Saturday morning to practice smiling and holding eye contact with the adorable men in her neighborhood and she was defeated by the competition — all the cute boys’ eyes were locked in on their iphones and she couldn’t catch attention from….anyone.
Catherine was thoroughly excited about her second date with Mike and it was beautifully orchestrated — the perfect al fresco dining experience overlooking the yachts in Marina Del Rey. She won’t get a third date. Wanna know why? She had her iphone on the table all evening and every time it buzzed she couldn’t resist; she had to check it. It buzzed…a lot… The impression Mike took away? She’s not really interested in him. Her email box is more important to her than finding a meaningful relationship with a man — a man who is right there with her, courting her, ready and eager to connect with her. She missed her chance to develop relationship with this man, who is…was….a really fitting and motivated suitor. Does this make your friendly neighborhood matchmaker a little bit sad? Yeah….it really does.
The worst part is, folks, she IS interested in him and she’s just fallen into the trap that our communication devices have become for us.
Tips for how to keep your cell phone from ruining your love life:
Turn it off. Completely. When you are on a date, turn the darned thing off altogether. Got kids? Got work challenges? Me too. Check in with those pesky interruptors just before your date (or any important appointment) to make sure they’re OK and let them know you’ll be out of touch for an hour or so. Create these healthy boundaries with the special people in your life. 98% of these oh-so-teasing calls, texts, and emails are not in any way urgent. Let them go…..deal with them later….. Give your date the present of your presence. Works like magic. I promise.
Learn how to use your phone. Ask any teenager to help you figure out how to set up you voice mail, check messages, retrieve your messages, send and receive texts….if we’re going to have one of these “magical” devices we have a responsibility (to ourselves and to the lovely people in our lives) to learn how to use it.
Is your NAME in your voice mail greeting? Is it your voice speaking? It should be. Otherwise how will Jack know he’s left his message with the right Jill? Have you listened to your own voice mail greeting lately? Do you sound cold or annoyed? I surely hope not!
Most importantly, cut each other some slack. Accept the reality that each of us has our preferred methods of giving and receiving communication. Practice being flexible and understanding with each other. Let people know what works for you. Do you like text messages? Do you need to hear a real live voice? If the buzzing cell phone on the dinner table is bugging you, can you find a way to communicate what you need and want, instead of just getting grumpy about it?
Carol did it this way — After she lost Bruce’s attention to his iphone several times during the first 10 minutes of their date, she playfully swatted it (like a fly) and he responded instantly by turning the silly thing off. Smart move, Bruce! The rest of the date went really well and Bruce and Carol will be meeting again for dinner…tonight…at her place. YAY! Humanity wins over machinery. I love it.
Got tips to share about how we can keep our cell phones from running and ruining our lives? Send them on to me. Julie@CupidsCoach.com
This morning’s post-date feedback from our Cupid’s Coach personal matchmaking clients is revealing some fun first date and second date ideas. Some of our matchmaking clients are really being creative, thinking outside the coffee shop for their dating adventures. Here’s what some of our Cupid’s Coach Clients have been up to.
Katherine and Josh are both devoted, enthusiastic dog owners and I love what they did for their second date. They met at a dog park, mid way between their homes and they each brought drinks and edibles to share. The date stretched into the evening, at a sweet little outdoor cafe, the dogs tied up at their feet. Reportedly the dogs are having a love affair too and have been invited on Date Number Three, same dog park, next week after work.
Mara is on a special diet and she didn’t want to appear overly fussy or high maintenance on her date with Jake. They both enjoy adventurous dining and we had them meet up at a Mongolian Barbeque spot, where she could easily and without any fuss at all carefully choose the exact ingredients she wanted, without having to be “a pain” to the waiter or the chef in the kitchen. It was a fun, casual, relaxed first date and it went off without a hitch.
Liz had a corporate event to attend and she needed to bring a plus-one. She’s been dating plenty, but….there’s no one who’s really surfaced as a romantic interest, so she invited a guy named Rob whom she’d met a couple of months back through our agency, Cupid’s Coach. She had just one date with him and thought he was “nice enough” but, no real sparks. But he’s social and fun to be with and she had a feeling he’d “show well” at the event, where her boss and co-workers would be in attendance. Interestingly, this morning’s post date evaluation revealed that there IS some romantic potential for the two of them. She and Rob had a really fun time together — relaxed, no-pressure (maybe because they had already determined that they would just be “friends”…) and whatdyaknow, romance sparks were indeed flying for the two of them and they’ll be getting together for a hike next weekend.
And my favorite Cupid’s Coach date this weekend was in a plane — Matt is a pilot and he flew Monica to San Diego for lunch and a visit to the San Diego zoo yesterday for their third date. Gotta love it.
Make all of your dates an adventure. Meet on a picnic bench overlooking the water, head to the bowling alley, the street fair, the ferris wheel, the art walk, or a poetry reading.
As my mascot and cherished mother-in-law, Feisty Frieda Ferman says, only boring people are ever bored. Let that never be you…on a date…
Send in your favorite date ideas — we love to read them!
Julie Ferman
If you’re reading this, you’re probably single at the moment, and you’re courageous enough to be “out there” dating. Excellent. It takes courage, doesn’t it?
Part of my mission as Cupid’s Coach is to consistently bring to your experience of dating more fun and more life-enriching opportunities as you move forward in your journey toward loving relationship.
What do you do, or maybe a better question is what should you do when you experience a Dating Disappointment? When things go….just…badly?
Our personal matchmaking community is like a laboratory — we get to study a challenging and mysterious piece of our Client’s world (the Love Life) under a microscope to see what’s happening. We get to see how our Client deals with the good and the not-so-good things that are woven into the dating adventure.
Over these past twenty years as a matchmaker and dating coach, I’ve learned that how someone shows up here in our community is also very often a reflection of how they are being out there in their lives in general. Good, bad, and sometimes ugly…
Every little thing that happens along the way in your dating process is an opportunity to practice — Practice what? Practice the very skills you’ll need to be successful in the relationship you’re looking to find for yourself.
Think of a couple whose relationship you truly admire. Got one? Me too. So let’s ask ourselves what admirable qualities they’re demonstrating in their partnership. How are they being with each other? And then we can practice bringing those qualities to our relationships, both old and new. Even on and especially on a date., even when and especially when…things go badly.
How are you handling mishaps? If you’re dating you can count on them, and in relationship, even the best of them, we know there will be disappointments. Let’s take a look at how you’re managing the ups and downs along the way.
When you’re on time and your date is late — do you choose to get angry or do you roll with the punches and keep your cool? Whenever we’re stuck waiting, be it at the doctor’s office or in freeway traffic, it’s an opportunity to practice patience, understanding, flexibility and compassionate communication. Are you the one honking your horn? Or are you the one taking the deep breath, smiling, being the courteous to everyone, even those who are in your way?
When you’re thrown off balance by the turn the road just gave you, practice breathing and find something to appreciate, smile or laugh about. Bringing these skills with you into your future relationship will enable love to flourish. Practice taking those deep breaths…now…and all along the way in your journey toward loving partnership.
Has someone you were interested in disappointed you? Maybe things went well on a date and you expected there would be another date happening and….poof….the vanishing act. How are you handling it when the person you’re interested in isn’t demonstrating the level of interest you’d like to see? Do you find yourself getting angry, shutting down, allowing negativity, bitterness, unhappiness or insecurity to creep in or maybe take over?
Bruce’s date, last Monday evening. Susan was late. She had written down 5:30, he’d written down 5:00 — and traffic was bad besides — Bruce called her after waiting for 20 minutes, she realized her mistake and apologized. He handled it just right — he made some calls, replied to a few emails, and… he kept his cool…even though he’d been waiting at the restaurant for 45 minutes by the time she arrived. And you know what happened? They had a really nice date and she was so appreciative of his graciousness, she’s having him over for a Memorial Day dinner at her place tonight. A mishap that served as an opportunity to strengthen (vs. derail) the match. Nicely done, you two…it’s a great night for an al fresco dinner date.
What do you do when you’re disappointed? I’m practicing responding postively to life’s mishaps so that each and every bump in the road provides an opportunity for growth and for contribution. It’s not always easy, of course, but I’m enjoying learning how to do that just a little bit better.
Amy really liked Don and thought their first date had gone so well, ending with what she described as “an electrifying kiss” and his suggestion that they get together again. A week later, not having heard from him, she wondered what she should do — Sit tight? Email him? Call him? Extend an invitation? Dr. Pat Allen would say she should sit tight, do nothing, wait for him to resurface, wait weeks in fact. Some dating experts would say it’s fine for her to reach out to him. Here’s what Amy did — she shared with me that she tends to get discouraged and her spirits can fall when she’s waiting for a guy to call her. She also knows that being outside when the weather is great makes her happy….every time….so she extended by email a last minute opportunity to some of her pals to join her for a sunset hike today, and at the last moment, before hitting the “send” button, she added in Don as a recipient. And guess who’s the ONLY person who could attend? Right. Amy and Don are hiking Busch Canyon this afternoon. Right now, in fact.
Both of these dates are happening…right…now. That’s the kind of success that warm this matchmaker’s heart.
When things go well, are you noticing? Are you smiling? Are you looking for opportunities to express gratitude and to reciprocate with generosity? And when things don’t go well, how are you making lemonade happen? I’d love to hear some of your stories about how you’ve turned a dating disappointment into something worthwhile or even magical.
Keep on loving out there. And Happy Memorial Day to you and to everyone who matters to you.
Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach
Sheri came to me seeking partnership in April of ‘08. A Manhattan Beach home owner, she’s beautiful, tall, highly accomplished, confident, and secure, I was interested in her and inspired by her from the get-go; she’d already done plenty of inner work, and had just completed Alison Armstrong’s Men and Marriage workshop. My Dream Client.
She did make me nervous though, as her search criteria was super challenging – at 39/40, she was seeking marriage and kids with a tall, fit, youthful, handsome, intelligent, highly successful, generous Jewish man with lots of integrity. He’d be in his late 30’s/early 40’s (I noticed that she really favored the younger, hotter guys), he is at least 5’11, and he is ON GO for marriage and family. She was disillusioned with online dating, was “done” with the player types, and wanted to be with an equal, an accomplished professional who would be comfortable with a highly successful woman.
This is a tough match to make, as this man we’re describing is typically asking me to introduce him to women in their late twenties to early 30’s. This super hot young, studly guy is in the prime of HIS dating life, and figures he’s got one shot at doing marriage and family right. Nervous watching his pals’ tortured divorces, he’s afraid to rush things, so he’s inclined to max out his age limit at around 35, so he and his imaginary sweetheart (whom he’s also…not yet met) will have years to court, have a long, sensible, relaxed engagement, a few years of marital bliss with plenty of travel, fun, and adventure together before diving into diapers and strollers. This all complicated by the fact that HIS super hot late twenties/early thirties target is in the prime of HER dating life, with plenty (and I mean plenty) of suitors. Some of the men Little Miss Young Hottie is dating are actually good prospects, but many are not – they’re more the bad-boy player types but…they are alluring enough to capture her attention, too often wasting her time – time that she doesn’t yet realize is so precious…She doesn’t yet know how dramatically different dating will be for her in just a few short years.
Oh, this stuff is so tricky…
There were sensitive moments and some challenging conversations as Sheri and I engaged together in her search. Some of the men I’d really wanted her to meet I wasn’t able to lasso for her (most often just a matter of the visuals – a guy is either hot for a woman or he’s not) and she had some suitors I liked a lot for her, but…alas they didn’t pique her interest. One of the clients I’d introduced to her had every single quality on her must-have list – and she liked him enough to give him a chance and a second date. For her, that was a lot but…well…he wasn’t game for a second date, claiming he didn’t experience enough of the “wow” factor to pursue her.
Most of my female clients aren’t coming to me hoping for lots and lots of first dates. They’re looking for an instant fix, a short-cut to relationship, a quick and easy perfect, fabulous fit. Sometimes it happens just that way, as it did for my clients Maggy, Claudia and Paulette – each glided effortlessly into a magical love story early on in their search process with us. But, well, this is rare. What’s more common is a series of suitors for our female client to try on first and lots of lessons for her to learn.
In the twenty plus years I’ve been guiding love seekers, I’ve determined that dating is a series of “misses” until the right fit happens. In Sheri’s case, I was frustrated that she wasn’t giving me (and some of the men she was turning down) more chances to play with, try on, and settle into that perfect fit. She was frustrated at times that I wasn’t able to simply deliver the ideal suitor with the snap of my fingers.
But what’s special about Sheri? And what worked for Sheri? She kept looking within, she trusted me, she allowed for the possibility that maybe she had some blind spots that were keeping her from seeing and seizing opportunities. She never stopped being positive. Even when frustrated, even through rejection and disappointment, she kept communicating with me, and she always gave me the benefit of the doubt.
If I’m ever pushy in trying to get my client to stretch, it’s often with a woman who wants to become a mom – I’ll never forget the pressure that this desire places on dating and the love search process for a woman. I have shed those tears. Emergency surgery at age 27 left me fertility challenged, which lead me to the dating service where I met Mr. Ferman. We are thankfully blessed with two boys who are now teenagers and the light of our lives. For women who want to be moms, well, I push them a bit harder to stretch and look closely before turning down a suitor, potentially closing the door on what might be a fine opportunity for marriage and family with a man I know to be truly wonderful.
So, fast forward. It’s a year or so after Sheri and I engaged in her search together. She is currently in love with a man she’d dated a couple of years ago but had “tossed back”, having determined that he wasn’t enough of this or that for her. She’s really happy with him and in her email messages to me there is a sense of calm and peace that truly warms my heart.
She gets it now; a matchmaker’s job is more than just delivering the perfect man, on a silver platter, with a bow around his neck and an engagement ring in his pocket. She understands now that the other necessary and powerful element of our process is the coaching and guidance, the little reality checks along the way.
It’s really, really tough to tell a woman that the guy she’s interested in has passed on the opportunity to meet her because he’s hoping to meet her younger sister or that his type is more “Angelina” than “Jen” – and sometimes, even though I make a sincere effort to deliver the sometimes not-so-great news with sweet sisterly love, there are times when the client reacts with emotion, and literally wants to shoot the messenger, which well, unfortunately, is…me.
But Sheri didn’t do that. You know what she did? She communicated and she engaged fully with me in our dialogues. Today I went back and studied each and every email she’s ever sent to me. There are lots of them. Each one has a very positive tone, even when she was making reference to a disappointment. She was open to learning from our coaching and introduction process. She realized early on in our search that favoring the younger, hotter thirties guy was problematic, and she relaxed her upper age limits a bit. She wrote, “I sooooo enjoyed our coaching session! I learned a lot about myself with you; I have been shooting myself in the foot by attracting/being attracted to such young men! I got a reality check about my age. Thank you for having the courage to have this discussion with me.”
I say, WOW.
So, so, so many women dismiss a man if he doesn’t pursue her in just the way SHE wants him to, or if he seems less than fully ready to commit at that moment in time, when she feels she is completely ready. She’ll cross him off her list, she’ll shoot off to him a nasty email, she’ll delete him from her phone, un-friend him on Facebook, she’ll get all “pissy” about him and she’ll kill him off…FOREVER…, labeling him as a commitment-phobe, uttering under her breath “all men are pigs, isn’t there a decent man left on the planet…” all that yukky self-defeating, negative commentary that she doesn’t realize is tarnishing her own wow factor…
But Sheri didn’t do that. Mid-way through her six-month search with us, she shared with amazement, “I’m developing patience, I am learning so much about myself, and I’m having fun with this process, watching my love life unfold.”
Patience. Oh, my goodness gracious, this is so hard for us girls, especially when we feel ready NOW for love to happen. I find that for a guy to really show up for a woman as a serious suitor, two things need to be present for him — Attraction/chemistry and timing. The timing in HIS life needs to be just right before he will invite a woman into that life. Alison Armstrong helps us understand that men are internally motivated – an idea has to be his, coming from within, in order for it to be a real possibility. So a woman can tease him, flirt with him, chase him, or a matchmaker can try her darndest to light a fire under this guy, but unless HE is motivated by interest and attraction and unless timing in HIS life is right for building a relationship, well… ain’t nuttin’ gonna happen.
Sheri wrote to me about her experience of having been our client, having her love life studied under a microscope by dating experts. Throughout that six month period of time and afterward, Sheri continued to grow, stretch, and explore. She found herself over time making better choices – she ditched a bad boy whose mesmerizing allure had served to clog her pipes for years (who she later learned would rather eat glass than get married), and she was being careful to involve herself only with men whom she deemed were indeed available and sincerely seeking relationship. She did extensive therapy, she lost weight, and she continued to develop her WOW factor, both internally and externally. She reported to me that she’d been dating “better men” than ever before in her life.
Throughout her time with us as a client and afterward, Sheri kept exploring, deepening her understanding of herself. She worked with an energy therapist who helped her dissolve some of the blocks that she learned to see had been hindering her. She was delighted at how open and accepting she was becoming, blossoming into a more loving and lovable person. Often surprised, she watched herself being drawn to some men who were actually “off type” for her – one man not as tall as she preferred, another whose frugal spending habits would have knocked him out of the running a year prior. She was delighted to see herself giving men more of a chance. The reward, she said? “I’m finding as I get to know the guy, he becomes more and more attractive to me! I never realized how much I was limiting myself by quickly dismissing a man without scratching a bit further to get under the surface.”
Sheri sent me an email last week, attaching a photo of this man she’s dating exclusively. This man had 100% of the criteria she was looking for! They’d met a couple of years ago on a trip to Israel and they dated for a while. He’s her age, lives in Boston, and they’d shared some great moments and plenty of chemistry. But at that time there were elements that she felt weren’t exactly perfect, so she had pushed him aside, hoping to find a more ideal fit.
About Mr. Boston? She now writes, “He was pursuing me from the time I met him, but I had SO many things blocking me, try as he might, he couldn’t get to me. I had an expectation of how he should pursue me, and that killed it. It is also true that he has matured and stepped up as a man during our time apart, but the real thing I learned on my journey and I’d want to convey to all single people is the inner work that is required to cause a shift in dating, and to generate different results. I had to do a load of work on myself, and it was worth it! It’s hard for us to see the truth. We want the package, but unless we’re willing to look at our own package, realistically and truthfully, we can’t improve, and we can’t attract that ideal partner. Julie, you helped me see that attraction, chemistry AND timing are all vital ingredients. I dated well over 30 men last year, each with a particular story and each with his own package. I now attract, and am attracted to, healthy, available men. Mr. Boston and me? Neither of us is perfect, but I see that we are the perfect packages for each other. We are now living together and sharing our lives with two puppies, and are on our journey to marriage and creating a family together.”
I am so very happy for Sheri. Her clear vision, her persistence, and her willingness to look, from a different point of view at her dating patterns and behaviors produced for her the result she was seeking. I remember so vividly the rock solid, positive determination she carried with her throughout our process, through both the highs and lows that come with the territory called … dating. She KNEW she’d find him. She worked on developing patience, understanding, flexibility, and acceptance, and she kept her spirits positive throughout, elevating herself above the undercurrent that so very often kills a woman’s wow-factor and, as a result, her chances (negativity, bitterness, disappointment, anger, and resentment.)
From my perspective, Sheri is a pure example of how clear intention, perseverance, and
Consistent positive energy can generate the intended result. She approached her personal love search with seriousness, but with a spirit of adventure and a curiosity that enabled her to look again and again at her decision making process. She turned over lots and lots of stones, investing her time, energy, and resources in the process of bettering her odds and bettering herself. She was smart to always keep her bridges clear and the doors open with current and past love interests, and voila — love ignited – for Sheri and Mr. Boston on their second go-round with each other.
I hope her story inspires you as much as it inspires me.
A refreshingly high quality service experience…at LAX…Is this possible? Yes, indeed. Gil and I just witnessed this very phenomenon while en route to Miami for the annual iDate conference.
What was it that gave us the surprising opportunity to actually enjoy our pre-flight hour? It was the wide open Admirals Club which American Airlines and American Express provides for the weary, stressed out traveler. Gil and I cozied up on a soft leather couch, sharing newspaper excerpts with each other, savoring warm, toasted bagels and the endless supply of freshly brewed coffee in this peaceful, spacious, sun-drenched lounge. This VIP oasis, above and beyond earshot of the “terminally” loud security announcements, unruly kids, screaming babes and cranky travelers provided for us a heightened service experience. Ahhhhhh.
I so appreciated the separate, private business area where I escaped with my cell phone when it revealed an incoming call from my super busy and oh-so-studly client in Wyoming. It was Billy returning my call, and I’d been trying for weeks to catch him live for a phone chat. He’s a busy attorney and a real live cowboy, tough to catch on the fly by phone, and the quiet business lounge gave me the perfect chance to engage with him about his ongoing dating adventures and to share with him all about his new match with our new client, Lara, who just very well may be…His Girl.
At this moment in time, I’m 30,000 feet above El Paso Texas, making my final edits to the presentation I’ll be giving at the conference. In the room will be matchmakers, dating coaches, and industry execs from the U.S., Canada, and indeed all over the world.
Reflecting back on how appreciative we were of the enriched experience we just had at the airport executive lounge retreat, it occurs to me that the service experience which Cupid’s Coach intends to create for our clients is very much the same – our mission is to provide for the busy, often confused or tormented single love-seeker a service experience that is far superior to that which they might otherwise have available.
A friendly, supportive ear for post-date reflection, or calming guidance when anxiety creeps in four days after a great first date, when Mr. Guy still hasn’t called. The juggling of schedules to squeeze in a session with my client Randall who’s in love with Rachel, and he’s trying to figure out the perfect way to pop the question…This is the kind of out-of-the-ordinary support and service for which our clients are happy to pay a premium.
Even as our current economic times have us all monitoring our spending habits, there’s not an empty seat to be had in the First Class Cabin in this 767 aircraft. And we just closed the books on our strongest year ever for our personal matchmaking and dating coaching business.
Today’s consumer is savvy and discerning, and there are plenty of travelers and motivated love-seekers who will gladly spring for a higher quality service experience. If we build it they will come, and they do. If we do it well, they will return until they’re happy in relationship, and they eagerly share their experience with their friends, which keeps our phones ringing, our appointment books full, and a steady stream of enthusiastic new clients who are looking for a sweeter journey through the rapid waters of dating and into the safe, warm pool which loving relationship can be.
Mark Brooks’ stats on Thursday will likely reveal that Internet dating revenues are continuing to be strong, despite our troubling economic times. And as that pool of online dating subscribers grows, also more plentiful is the number of hungry, weary love seeking consumers who will naturally gravitate toward the VIP lounge, which personal matchmaking provides.
I’m thankful for two things: For the geniuses at American Airlines and American Express who enriched our travel experience today, and for the opportunity to design, sculpt, and execute a higher level of service for our personal search clients to experience. It’s a great time to be alive and it’s a great time to be continually evolving our service businesses.
p.s. Our 767 just landed and I picked up a text message from Billy – he’s flying Lara in this weekend for a visit to his world – there’s a rodeo happening on Saturday in his town of Cheyenne, and originally from Denver, Lara’s a huge fan of the barrel race…Together, American Airlines, American Express and I made this weekend’s dating adventure happen for them. Very cool.
First off, many thanks to all in our world who’ve been checking in and sending love. We did indeed lose Max The Wonder Dog this week. He was so special to us. He was The Fifth Beatle in our family, and our lives have been so enriched through our experience of his loving, spirited, goofy soul. When he got excited, which was often, he would spin around in circles, sneezing. He sneezed a lot…
Also, this last post generated some really interesting comments on the topic “dating and pets” so in honor of Max, we’ll continue the discussion and dig a little deeper into this hot sticky bun of an issue…
http://cupidscoach.wordpress.com/2010/01/10/dating-pets-and-max-the-wonder-dog/
If you’ve not yet chimed in, by all means, share your thoughts. The questions are:
Are pets a plus or a minus in dating?
Do we love our pets too much?
People who don’t have pets, or who don’t share our love and appreciation for them — are they just OUT? Should animal lovers date just each other and avoid non-pet-people altogether?
I’d love to hear some success stories — people who managed to love each other really well even though they had to work around or through their differences with the pets issue.
As for the Ferman Four, well, we’re laying kinda low this week. I walked and walked and walked yesterday, without him for the first time in 8 years. Felt really strange, and I cried plenty the first few miles, but I just kept going, ending up off trail wacking through bushes, got lost for a bit, but eventually found my way home again. Getting out, taking a different route, focusing on the beauty of the day – that’s how I got through Day One without my walking buddy.
We’re researching puppies. That helps too.
So really, chime in, if this topic stirs something up for you. Does loving an animal make you a more or less desirable person to date? Is having a pet problematic to your love life? Are the pets of the people you’re dating making you crazy? What do you think?
Julie XOXO
Cupids Coach – Los Angeles Matchmaking Service
My buddies at eLove have done something smart and heart-warming too. In response the recent actions of the Beautiful People website (booting out 5,000 “fatties” from their site) eLove has offered free 3-month memberships to all of the Beautiful People rejects.
Our culture is so wacked about “beauty” and truth is, what’s considered beautiful today (hard-body gym rats, emaciated stick skinny model types) would never have made the cover of Vogue 30 years ago. Evan the bod of famed icon Marilyn Monroe wouldn’t fly on Comsopolitan Magazine in 2010.
What about 250 years ago? Take a stroll through the Getty Museum website — Gobs of portraits of then-considered-beautiful women, painted in the 1700’s and 1800’s — here’s a gorgeous babe who would be BOOTED out of the Beautiful People website. http://www.getty.edu/art/gettyguide/artObjectDetails?artobj=136329
eLove — GREAT decision — let’s give people of all shapes and sizes the opportunity to find love. My favorite relationship guru, Alison Armstrong says that for every body out there is a man who’s “diggin’ on it” — Internet dating sites are the very best place for people of not-currently-popular body types, as it gives their subscribers an inexpensive way to market themselves, giving them exposure and access to a huge base of people, many of whom aren’t stuck on Hollywood’s interpretation of beauty.
As a personal matchmaker who uses both face and body photos in the referral process, based in the oh-so-image-oriented Southern California market, I have a really, really difficult time matching clients who are heavy, wrinkled, super short men, too-tall women, etc. So much so that I often find myself discouraging overweight people from investing their hard earned money in personal matchmaking. I’m thrilled that eLove is offering this forward-thinking solution.
I’d like to wave a magic wand to broaden the What’s Hot meter in our current culture, and in the process, expanding my ability to serve a larger (pun intended) market. Until I get that magic wand or until Rubenesque bodies once again grace our artists’ canvases and magazine covers, I’m happy to see that my colleagues at eLove have embraced this ever-growing (um…sorry) chunk of our society.
I come from a long line of big, heavy German folks. I fight fat every day with exercise and careful eating, but I try not to obsess over it. I’m so very thankful that I’m married to a man who likes curves and who thinks my face is prettier now (when by bod is admittedly a little chunky) than when I can slip into my skinny jeans. My hiking buddies fondly call me JB – you’ll have to guess at that…and they still love me.
eLove — congratulations. Smart move and the ideal solution for anyone whose body type or physical appearance is hampering their love search.
Hilary is one of my Dream Clients – she’s 32, beautiful, accomplished, and sincerely seeking partnership, marriage, and family with an equally remarkable man. Here’s an example of why she’s one of my all time favorite clients.
I was thrilled to have the chance to introduce her to Glen, a successful, handsome, studly and oh-so-much-fun 36 year old attorney. He’s got plenty of the “it factor” that we’re seeking for her. Glen’s very charming, his dating life is full and active, he’s shared with me on several occasions his true desire to be in loving relationship, but he says he’s not yet found the right person to coax him off the dating treadmill. He’s sure that he’ll know her when he meets her.
Glen was completely wowed by Hilary’s profile and photos, and was thoroughly jazzed to meet her. But he really blew it by calling her for the first time at 9:45 on a Wednesday night, saying “Would you like to come over to my place tonight?” Hilary is a sophisticated, classy girl with Southern roots; she’s accustomed to being courted in a more traditional way, and she was offended and truly put off by his suggestion that she just pop on over to his place for a first meeting, late at night, midweek. She said it made her feel cheap and completely unspecial.
But how she handled it was so perfect – rather than coming back at him with a pissy, snooty, huffy or irritated tone or comment, she said in a sweet, playful voice, “Well, now let me see…If I were the Booty Call Girl, I might be open to that idea, but I like to think I’m more the type a man might want to Court and Keep. I’d say, let’s meet for a more traditional date over the weekend. If we flip for each other, then later on, we’ll see about that late night Booty Call.”
Hilary did two things really well – First off, she handled an awkward situation with grace, putting herself in a really favorable light, while keeping her options open with this particular man. If she’d snapped back in anger, she would have turned him off instantly, causing him to slink away like a wounded animal, killing off any possibility for a future connection. And secondly, she gently stood her ground, letting him know what kind of a girl she is, even planting the seed in his mind that she’s the kind of girl a smart man will want to keep. And the bonus gift she gave to him is a lesson in what NOT to do in his dating rituals.
Whether these two stick together or not, Hilary has helped Glen learn more about how to initiate a first date with a Nice Girl. It’s my hope that each encounter you have in your journey into relationship leaves both you and the other person better and stronger and smarter as a result.
Hilary and Glen are meeting for lunch on Sunday at the 3rd Street Promenade. I think it’ll be a great date. Nice job, Hillary!
January — A great time to shine light on every nook and cranny of our lives.
EVERY nook and cranny? Hmmm…maybe too daunting a task, huh? Yeah, I hear you. OK, so let’s do this. Let’s you and I both choose one or two arenas in our lives that have been in the shadows, overlooked, squeezed out of the picture, neglected perhaps. Let’s choose challenge areas, where we’ve experienced difficulty, disappointment, worry, failure, exasperation, maybe at times even hopelessness…
And we’ll make a declaration together that we’re ready to bring about a change, new growth, expansion, and unprecidented results. Whip out a pen and paper and list all of the areas of your life where you’ve been experiencing lack, frustration, or pain and then let’s isolate the one or two that you’re ready and eager to bring into focus and generate a new reality.
Go ahead, let’s do this together. Pick your area of focus.
Personally, I’ll be focusing on strengthening My Bod and My Finances. What’ll it be for you?
As your favorite Relationship Enabler and Friendly Neighborhood Love Broker, I’ve gotta ask you the question – How’s Your Love Life? If you’re single, and you wish you weren’t, then this blog’s for you.
Is it your sincere desire to find your way into a loving relationship this year? Truly? Check in on your gut, look in the mirror and ask the person inside if sharing life with a loving partner is what you really want for yourself in this coming year. If it is loving relationship that you are sincerely seeking, then I’m so happy that you and I are connected. Let’s see if we can HANDLE this for you in 2010.
I have coaches, gurus, and mentors whom I’ll be calling on for assistance and guidance in my first quarter 2010 plan for My Bod and My Finances. If I had everything figured out in those two arenas, I’d have already reached my financial and physical fitness goals, right? So, I’ve got my coaches engaged this month to help me achieve my goals for these two important areas of my life. And I’m here to help coach and guide you through the romantic marketplace.
If you’re single at the moment, and your vision for your future is to be in partnership, let’s check in to be sure you’re lining yourself up for growth, development, results, and success in this brave new year.
Mindset: Let your mind in on your new reality. Create a couple of affirmations, specifically love-life focused, or choose one of these, and say them out loud and often:
- I am a Man Magnet.
- Amazing women are drawn to me every day.
- I am meeting thoroughly scrumptious single people everywhere I go.
- My first dates are always fabulous.
Action Plan: Wherever you are in our Cupid’s Coach Community — elevate yourself to the next level. If you’re not fully registered with us, by all means, start here: http://cupidscoach.com/NewRegister.aspx
If we don’t yet have your photos and essays completed (required for inclusion in our Personal Matchmaking referrals) email Info@CupidsCoach.com and we’ll guide you through that simple process. If you like the idea of having personal matchmakers working proactively for you, sifting, sorting, and lining up your Candidates or your Suitors, then schedule an appointment with us, and we’ll determine together if we’re an ideal fit for each other for personal matchmaking. Email Jan@CupidsCoach.com to schedule a consultation with us.
And my favorite new dating book is by Rachel Greenwald and it’s a great read for both men and women who are dating. “Why He Didn’t call You Back” – Dive into it and report back.
In short, get clear about what your desires and your goals are, embrace your goal with a fresh, new, empowering mindset, and then put an action plan into place. Need help? That’s why we’re here. Email us or call us here at Cupid’s Coach.
As a matchmaker and dating expert, the biggest frustration I have is watching GREAT people overlook other GREAT people for what are in my estimation…rather superficial reasons. Here’s a fun little test that will reveal to you the answer to the question, “Am I being too picky?”
Take a look at the last 10 to 20 ‘Candidates’ who’ve crossed your path. People you’ve dated, people you’ve selected through an online service, or just people you’ve met through your world whom you found interesting, attractive, and date-worthy. Go ahead – make the list. And start keeping this list and adding to it into the future. Every person you find date-worthy…write his name on your list. Secondly, note by that person’s name if he/she was also interested in YOU. Did this person pursue you? Was he/she attracted to you? Did this candidate “go for” you?
OK, here’s the tough part. Now you’ve got to do the math. I say, if the percentage of people on your “hot list” who also go for YOU is greater than 50%, then YIPPEE, you’re on track. If, however, a small percentage of your targeted candidates are interested in and attracted to you, then…we’ve got a problem. Tough as it is to accept, if the math shows you that less than 25% of your targeted date-worthy candidates are also interested in you, then it’s possible, um, well, likely actually that you’re being too picky.
What to do about it? You’ve got two choices: 1) Do some serious strategic and proactive marketing to better your chances in our highly competitive romantic culture (join dating services and singles clubs and be proactive, develop your flirting skills, meet lots and lots of people.) 2) Re-evaluate how you are doing your selecting, wrestle with and broaden your search criteria. A general rule of thumb to follow is – if you’re not averaging a better than 50% “Yes Factor” for the men or women you’re targeting, then your matchmaker here says you’re being too selective and limiting yourself too much to be able to expect success.
Homework assignment: Make your long list of the criteria you’re seeking in your mate. Go ahead, brainstorm, and have some fun with it. Then take a long walk and come back to that list. Isolate the Top Three Critical Criteria. Tough? You bet, but so important. Keep this short list handy, and notice that as you go through the dating process it might just change on you. If the guy/gal you’re considering has all three of your Top Three Critical Criteria, then I say, when in doubt, GO FOR IT. Meet this new person. Still in doubt? Meet again. Still don’t know? Meet one more time. We gals have the ability to fall in love over time, for the right reasons. If the CRITICAL stuff lines up, then I’d suggest (and so would your mama) saying Yes to meeting and exploring the possibilities with those who meet your critical criteria. That magical thing called human bonding doesn’t even begin to show up until date number three.
Be willing to stretch on the issues of lesser importance (height, hair issues, age, income, etc. Keep the heart and the eyes open, or heck, blindfold yourself! I often wonder if sightless singles have an advantage in today’s media crazed world. And be willing to be surprised as to whom He or She just might turn out to be!