Archive for the ‘Client in Crisis’ Category
Are our “communication devices” helping single love seekers connect? Or are they getting in our way?
Well….the answer is….Both. Tips here on how to use ‘em or lose ‘em in dating.
Lots of comments in my email box this weekend about how these handy and helpful devices are actually keeping men and women from communicating and connecting with each other. Puzzling, isn’t it? Examples…..
Candice got bent out of shape because Jonathan texted her when she would have preferred to hear his voice. She thinks texting is lame and rude….
Sam was really jazzed to meet Caroline and called her to ask her out for dinner and instead of reaching her or a recording of her sweet, welcoming voice he got the “voice mail has not been set up” roadblock.
Traffic was keeping Mark from being his typically punctual self for Friday’s first date with Jennifer. Wisely, he had her cell number with him, but when he called it to let her know he’d be late the call went to voice mail (the darn Crackberry didn’t ring for some reason) and she sat there at the cafe for 30 minutes….stewing….getting more anxious by the moment. She didn’t think to check her messages.
I sent Gloria out on a flirting expedition on Saturday morning to practice smiling and holding eye contact with the adorable men in her neighborhood and she was defeated by the competition — all the cute boys’ eyes were locked in on their iphones and she couldn’t catch attention from….anyone.
Catherine was thoroughly excited about her second date with Mike and it was beautifully orchestrated — the perfect al fresco dining experience overlooking the yachts in Marina Del Rey. She won’t get a third date. Wanna know why? She had her iphone on the table all evening and every time it buzzed she couldn’t resist; she had to check it. It buzzed…a lot… The impression Mike took away? She’s not really interested in him. Her email box is more important to her than finding a meaningful relationship with a man — a man who is right there with her, courting her, ready and eager to connect with her. She missed her chance to develop relationship with this man, who is…was….a really fitting and motivated suitor. Does this make your friendly neighborhood matchmaker a little bit sad? Yeah….it really does.
The worst part is, folks, she IS interested in him and she’s just fallen into the trap that our communication devices have become for us.
Tips for how to keep your cell phone from ruining your love life:
Turn it off. Completely. When you are on a date, turn the darned thing off altogether. Got kids? Got work challenges? Me too. Check in with those pesky interruptors just before your date (or any important appointment) to make sure they’re OK and let them know you’ll be out of touch for an hour or so. Create these healthy boundaries with the special people in your life. 98% of these oh-so-teasing calls, texts, and emails are not in any way urgent. Let them go…..deal with them later….. Give your date the present of your presence. Works like magic. I promise.
Learn how to use your phone. Ask any teenager to help you figure out how to set up you voice mail, check messages, retrieve your messages, send and receive texts….if we’re going to have one of these “magical” devices we have a responsibility (to ourselves and to the lovely people in our lives) to learn how to use it.
Is your NAME in your voice mail greeting? Is it your voice speaking? It should be. Otherwise how will Jack know he’s left his message with the right Jill? Have you listened to your own voice mail greeting lately? Do you sound cold or annoyed? I surely hope not!
Most importantly, cut each other some slack. Accept the reality that each of us has our preferred methods of giving and receiving communication. Practice being flexible and understanding with each other. Let people know what works for you. Do you like text messages? Do you need to hear a real live voice? If the buzzing cell phone on the dinner table is bugging you, can you find a way to communicate what you need and want, instead of just getting grumpy about it?
Carol did it this way — After she lost Bruce’s attention to his iphone several times during the first 10 minutes of their date, she playfully swatted it (like a fly) and he responded instantly by turning the silly thing off. Smart move, Bruce! The rest of the date went really well and Bruce and Carol will be meeting again for dinner…tonight…at her place. YAY! Humanity wins over machinery. I love it.
Got tips to share about how we can keep our cell phones from running and ruining our lives? Send them on to me. Julie@CupidsCoach.com
This morning’s post-date feedback from our Cupid’s Coach personal matchmaking clients is revealing some fun first date and second date ideas. Some of our matchmaking clients are really being creative, thinking outside the coffee shop for their dating adventures. Here’s what some of our Cupid’s Coach Clients have been up to.
Katherine and Josh are both devoted, enthusiastic dog owners and I love what they did for their second date. They met at a dog park, mid way between their homes and they each brought drinks and edibles to share. The date stretched into the evening, at a sweet little outdoor cafe, the dogs tied up at their feet. Reportedly the dogs are having a love affair too and have been invited on Date Number Three, same dog park, next week after work.
Mara is on a special diet and she didn’t want to appear overly fussy or high maintenance on her date with Jake. They both enjoy adventurous dining and we had them meet up at a Mongolian Barbeque spot, where she could easily and without any fuss at all carefully choose the exact ingredients she wanted, without having to be “a pain” to the waiter or the chef in the kitchen. It was a fun, casual, relaxed first date and it went off without a hitch.
Liz had a corporate event to attend and she needed to bring a plus-one. She’s been dating plenty, but….there’s no one who’s really surfaced as a romantic interest, so she invited a guy named Rob whom she’d met a couple of months back through our agency, Cupid’s Coach. She had just one date with him and thought he was “nice enough” but, no real sparks. But he’s social and fun to be with and she had a feeling he’d “show well” at the event, where her boss and co-workers would be in attendance. Interestingly, this morning’s post date evaluation revealed that there IS some romantic potential for the two of them. She and Rob had a really fun time together — relaxed, no-pressure (maybe because they had already determined that they would just be “friends”…) and whatdyaknow, romance sparks were indeed flying for the two of them and they’ll be getting together for a hike next weekend.
And my favorite Cupid’s Coach date this weekend was in a plane — Matt is a pilot and he flew Monica to San Diego for lunch and a visit to the San Diego zoo yesterday for their third date. Gotta love it.
Make all of your dates an adventure. Meet on a picnic bench overlooking the water, head to the bowling alley, the street fair, the ferris wheel, the art walk, or a poetry reading.
As my mascot and cherished mother-in-law, Feisty Frieda Ferman says, only boring people are ever bored. Let that never be you…on a date…
Send in your favorite date ideas — we love to read them!
Julie Ferman
If you’re reading this, you’re probably single at the moment, and you’re courageous enough to be “out there” dating. Excellent. It takes courage, doesn’t it?
Part of my mission as Cupid’s Coach is to consistently bring to your experience of dating more fun and more life-enriching opportunities as you move forward in your journey toward loving relationship.
What do you do, or maybe a better question is what should you do when you experience a Dating Disappointment? When things go….just…badly?
Our personal matchmaking community is like a laboratory — we get to study a challenging and mysterious piece of our Client’s world (the Love Life) under a microscope to see what’s happening. We get to see how our Client deals with the good and the not-so-good things that are woven into the dating adventure.
Over these past twenty years as a matchmaker and dating coach, I’ve learned that how someone shows up here in our community is also very often a reflection of how they are being out there in their lives in general. Good, bad, and sometimes ugly…
Every little thing that happens along the way in your dating process is an opportunity to practice — Practice what? Practice the very skills you’ll need to be successful in the relationship you’re looking to find for yourself.
Think of a couple whose relationship you truly admire. Got one? Me too. So let’s ask ourselves what admirable qualities they’re demonstrating in their partnership. How are they being with each other? And then we can practice bringing those qualities to our relationships, both old and new. Even on and especially on a date., even when and especially when…things go badly.
How are you handling mishaps? If you’re dating you can count on them, and in relationship, even the best of them, we know there will be disappointments. Let’s take a look at how you’re managing the ups and downs along the way.
When you’re on time and your date is late — do you choose to get angry or do you roll with the punches and keep your cool? Whenever we’re stuck waiting, be it at the doctor’s office or in freeway traffic, it’s an opportunity to practice patience, understanding, flexibility and compassionate communication. Are you the one honking your horn? Or are you the one taking the deep breath, smiling, being the courteous to everyone, even those who are in your way?
When you’re thrown off balance by the turn the road just gave you, practice breathing and find something to appreciate, smile or laugh about. Bringing these skills with you into your future relationship will enable love to flourish. Practice taking those deep breaths…now…and all along the way in your journey toward loving partnership.
Has someone you were interested in disappointed you? Maybe things went well on a date and you expected there would be another date happening and….poof….the vanishing act. How are you handling it when the person you’re interested in isn’t demonstrating the level of interest you’d like to see? Do you find yourself getting angry, shutting down, allowing negativity, bitterness, unhappiness or insecurity to creep in or maybe take over?
Bruce’s date, last Monday evening. Susan was late. She had written down 5:30, he’d written down 5:00 — and traffic was bad besides — Bruce called her after waiting for 20 minutes, she realized her mistake and apologized. He handled it just right — he made some calls, replied to a few emails, and… he kept his cool…even though he’d been waiting at the restaurant for 45 minutes by the time she arrived. And you know what happened? They had a really nice date and she was so appreciative of his graciousness, she’s having him over for a Memorial Day dinner at her place tonight. A mishap that served as an opportunity to strengthen (vs. derail) the match. Nicely done, you two…it’s a great night for an al fresco dinner date.
What do you do when you’re disappointed? I’m practicing responding postively to life’s mishaps so that each and every bump in the road provides an opportunity for growth and for contribution. It’s not always easy, of course, but I’m enjoying learning how to do that just a little bit better.
Amy really liked Don and thought their first date had gone so well, ending with what she described as “an electrifying kiss” and his suggestion that they get together again. A week later, not having heard from him, she wondered what she should do — Sit tight? Email him? Call him? Extend an invitation? Dr. Pat Allen would say she should sit tight, do nothing, wait for him to resurface, wait weeks in fact. Some dating experts would say it’s fine for her to reach out to him. Here’s what Amy did — she shared with me that she tends to get discouraged and her spirits can fall when she’s waiting for a guy to call her. She also knows that being outside when the weather is great makes her happy….every time….so she extended by email a last minute opportunity to some of her pals to join her for a sunset hike today, and at the last moment, before hitting the “send” button, she added in Don as a recipient. And guess who’s the ONLY person who could attend? Right. Amy and Don are hiking Busch Canyon this afternoon. Right now, in fact.
Both of these dates are happening…right…now. That’s the kind of success that warm this matchmaker’s heart.
When things go well, are you noticing? Are you smiling? Are you looking for opportunities to express gratitude and to reciprocate with generosity? And when things don’t go well, how are you making lemonade happen? I’d love to hear some of your stories about how you’ve turned a dating disappointment into something worthwhile or even magical.
Keep on loving out there. And Happy Memorial Day to you and to everyone who matters to you.
Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach
Fascinating comments coming back about this recent blog,Dating Means Waiting. link to original blog here: http://cupidscoach.wordpress.com/2009/11/21/dating-means-waiting/
Today, my client, Mark is wrestling with his frustration over the lack of a return call from his new Match, Lara. They’ve both studied each other’s Resume and photos, and they’ve both said Yes to meeting. He left a warm voice mail message for her two days ago, and he’s getting anxious over the silence he’s getting back from her. I can see that he’s jumping to some conclusions about why she’s not being responsive.
Yes, it’s holiday time, when I suggest cutting folks extra amounts of slack in the call-back/email-back department. Some of us are more attached to our laptops and cell phones than others, and our usual routines for managing business and personal communications are often disrupted with travel, relatives, and added logistical and emotional wackiness that comes with the holidays. (I know my usual routines are off-kilter at the moment, how about yours?)
In response to the Dating Means Waiting blog, Mark said, “While I agree that patience is essential I also think there is relevance to the ’she is just not that into you’ school of thinking as well, we often deceive ourselves into thinking someone is busy and that the two of us could really work together, when the reality could be that she’s just not that into me. Both are relevant and they make the perfect Koan that we dwell in; a paradox unresolvable in the mind and only resolvable in real life.”
Well said, Mark! Yes, the paradox is unresolvable in the mind — only resolvable in real life for these two remarkable individuals, both whom I know to be thoroughly scrumptious and sincerely seeking lifelong love – the way to resolve the paradox is through communication – ideally delivered with compassion, respect, and a sincere desire to contribute to the other person, whether this connection will be a momentary passing of ships or a lifetime journey together.
I say, practice patience and practice compassionate communication. Give her another day to respond, and then check in by phone and by email too, as you don’t yet know if she’s a texter, if she checks her home messages while traveling, if she’s always got her laptop with her or if she “goes dark” when she’s away or hosting guests. Avoid at all costs leaving a tone of “pissyness” – which is always a surefire turn-off.
I see dating as an opportunity to practice the very same skills that we need to sustain a loving, healthy relationship:
Patience: taking that extra couple of breaths before blurting out (or texting or emailing or voice mailing) something that might be off-putting or hurtful. Practice reflecting on a troubling issue for a day or two before thoughtfully communicating it.
Compassion: Stepping aside to consider the various points of view that might be her current reality (a bad cold, an inconvenient airport delay, a drama-invested family gathering, visiting relatives, a simple memory slip, or another suitor, who might very well be just a brief distraction)
Happiness: Your sense of fulfillment can only come from within. The more peaceful, calm, upbeat, and happy you are, the more magnetic you’ll be and the greater your ability to attract and sustain love, relationship, and partnership. It’s not easy to do, but anytime you’re finding yourself being anxious or impatient, this is the very moment to practice being happy, unconditionally happy, regardless of who’s doing what or not doing what out there in your world.
While waiting for a response from one or more of your Romantic Possibilities, my suggestion is that you get comfortable with the uncertainty that dating is. Guard against the temptation to guess at or assign a reason, and get busy doing something that lifts your spirits or better yet, do something to life someone else’s spirits.
Always fascinating, often frustrating, and kinda fun too never knowing for sure how a new connection will unfold for two people. !! I guess this is why I never get bored bringing people together.
This particular couple? I’m really jazzed for them to meet. Let’s hope they don’t screw it up!
Ken’s my new client. He’s 52, handsome, super smart, funny, accomplished, sincerely seeking relationship — all the good stuff. He met two of my female clients this past week and I was puzzled (and I’ll admit it — just an itty bit amused) when the post date feedback I received from these two women, about the very same man, were so completely different.
Wendy gave Ken rave reviews across the board, saying he was wildly entertaining, such fun company, she said he’s “boyfriend material” and she can’t wait to see him again.
Candice had met the very same man earlier in the week, and took away a completely different impression. She gave Ken low scores in every category and said he was dull, boring, that he was socially inept, that he had bad breath, and she didn’t find him the slightest bit interesting, attractive, or date-worthy. In short, she found him to be yawn-worthy…
Fascinating, isn’t it? Well, as you might imagine, Ken and Wendy are having a second date this morning. Both have emailed me about how excited they are to see each other again – they’re going to the Farmers Market and then they’re having brunch. And well…I just picked up a rather grumpy voice mail from Candice (which she’d left me at 9pm on a Saturday night) saying “Who do you have lined up for me next?”
Candice has fallen into a place of negativity with dating; her kneejerk reaction is to find what’s wrong, vs. what’s right or lovely or admirable in this particuilar man. She’s picking the poor guy apart, being judgmental and critical of her date and on her date, and she doesn’t realize that SHE is creating the problem.
I took a moment to review each of the post-date evaluations that Candice has written and…guess what…Four out of the five she’s sent in to me were also really negative — she lists the shortcomings and faults and she has nothing positive to say. The one guy she really liked was lukewarm in his impression of her, and he didn’t call her for a second date. His post date evaluation of Candice said it all. He said he found her to be “attractive, bright, but negative, a bit of a downer”
Crystal clear, isn’t it? Well, to everyone but Candice.
Are you being a Dating Downer? Here’s how to tell: Take a look back in your dating calendar and for each person you’ve met in the past 6 months, make a list of all the GOOD stuff and all the NOT so good stuff. If you find that your list of negatives consistently outweighs the list of positives, then…uh oh…you’ve become a Dating Downer. I mean, really, think about it. Who’s the common denominator in each of your not-so-great dates? Sorry, Sweetie, but that person is looking at you in the mirror every morning. Is this a happy face? Is this person uplifting, pleasant, magnetic, jazzed-up? Or…um…maybe not so much…
Fortunately, negativity is a Fixable Foible.
If you think you might be turning into Debbie Downer (or Critical Candice) in your dating life, here’s what to do. When on a date discipline yourself to find and see and appreciate fully this one-of-a-kind-special-like-a-snowflake human being whose path you were fortunate enough to cross on this very day. Practice noticing and relishing in what’s good, pleasing, interesting, worthy of respect in this person.
Those of you who’ve listened to my Audio CD set “Navigating the Romantic Marketplace” will surely remember stories about Feisty Frieda Ferman, my fabulous mother-in-law, who is also my company mascot. Frieda is currently 91, widowed after 50+ years of blissful married life, and in the 11 years since she’s been a widow, she’s never been without an adorable and adoring boyfriend. Here’s her secret — Frieda Ferman never says a negative, critical word about ANYone, she sees what’s magical and wonderful in her suitors — she calls it “looking for the donut, not the hole” and well, no surprise…she’s got her guy, Eddie by her side this morning at this very moment. Frieda says, “only boring people get bored.”
If you’re really stuck in a place of negativity about dating, about the opposite sex, I suggest that we put you on a Dating Diet — stop dating altogether for 2-3 months. And get yourself into one of Alison Armstrong’s PAX weekend programs, or just pick up her audio CD set, “In Synch with the Opposite Sex.” She’ll have you learning and laughing all the way back into a healthy perspective. No one wants to date a downer.
Oh, and funny thing about “bad breath” — we all think we’re good drivers, we all think we look younger than our age, we all think we have a great sense of humor, and we all think it’s the other guy who has bad breath. We should all carry breath mints with us, we should use them and we should share them freely. Hey, maybe the folks at TicTac or Altoids wants to be a Cupid’s Coach sponsor…
If you’re single and you wish you weren’t, and not yet registered with us, well then do that right now, right here: http://cupidscoach.com/NewRegister.aspx
If you dont’ have Alison’s CD set, In Synch with the Opposite Sex, pick it up here: http://cupidscoach.com/Item.aspx?ID=6
Upcoming Cupid’s Coach events: http://cupidscoach.com/FutureEvents.aspx
Love on, Folks!
Holidays are pretty much always bitter-sweet. Here’s how to spin the bitter into sweet.
There’s the good stuff — those warm, delicious, tender, loving moments with close family and friends — you know, the folks who truly bring you joy. This mixed in with…the other stuff…relatives you’d otherwise never need to see, the awkward wierdness when Aunt Sallie recounts for the tenth time her story about the messy diaper change she did with you 47 years ago…you know…
And if you’re single, negotiating that thing called dating, working your way through the unpredictable rapids that the pursuit of romantic relationship pretty much always is…, the period of time between November 20 and January 5 is well, OK, we’ll admit it — it’s a challenge. My Client, Sophie, blurted it right out there in her email to me this morning, saying “Being Single SUCKS, especially during the holidays.”
So this morning’s Matchmaker’s Musing goes out to Sophie and to anyone out there who’s feeling alone and maybe not quite loved enough on this Thanksgiving morning.
You can expect your journey through the next five weeks to be littered with the occasional sharp pang of lonliness, disappointment, even exasperation. You might find that you utter to yourself incredulously, “What? No gift at all? I thought we had a relationship here…” or “Not even a phone call from this schmuck?” or “She can’t fit me into her schedule til next MONTH?” or “If I REALLY mattered, I’d get a call, an email, a text…” or “Is is possible that not one person on the planet really gives a rat’s tail about me?”
Just accept it, thoughts like this might cross your mind, and when they do, here’s what to do:
Practice gratitude. Bring to mind and make a written list of the people and the relationships that make you smile and warm your heart. Reach out to each of them by email, by phone, or heck…whip out the pen and a blank sheet of printer paper and expressssssss. The kind of love note or text or call you’d like to receive today? YOU write it. YOU send it out. Go ahead – crank out several of them. Heck, take half a day and shower your whole world with love and appreciation, straight from your heart. Especially if you’ve never, ever done this. Go ahead, be a sap, or make them laugh, either way, but do what James Taylor told us to do, “Shower the people you love with love.”
I have a client who sends me a personally designed birthday card every year. He’s a guy, and he’s not gay either. I think that’s really cool (Thanks, AB!) I have a Client who hates being lonely on Christmas day, so last year she found a family in trouble and she personally delivered to them a holiday feast, with special presents for each of them — she brought smiles to each of their faces and she told me it was the most memorable and heart warming Christmas of her life.
When you’re in the dumps, give of your heart and your soul If you find yourself falling into any kind of an emotional slump, having a pity party of any sort, head to your nearest soup kitchen and help serve those who are oh so much less fortunate. Find out where Habitat For Humanity is building locally and jump in there to help (Hint: Ladies, I hear this is a great place to meet wonderful men — ! )
In other words, ask not what kind of love is coming your way, rather how can you share YOUR love today, making the world a sweeter, happier place?
Cute aside: I met husband Gil Ferman in my hometown of St. Louis the spring of 1990. Just a few months prior to our meeting, Gil (44 year old bachelor whom some had feared would be single forever) had ventured out to the midwest from his home in LA to open up his new dating service franchise, and he was literally all alone in the world on Thanksgiving day. He spent it completely by himself having a fabulous feast at…Denny’s…seriously. I’ve gotta believe he was just a little bit sad and felt just a wee bit pathetic at his $9.95 turkey dinner. And yet just around the corner for him would be romance, love, marriage, kids, family, and at least a couple of decades of pretty darned good stuff.
If there aren’t any other great offers for dinner tonight, Gil says Denny’s does a pretty good job… Remember to leave the waiter a generous tip.
Gobble, Gobble.
Client, Jim this morning is getting anxious and frustrated because his new match with Randi hasn’t resulted in a first date yet, and it’s been over a week since they both said Yes to meeting. He’s called, he’s emailed, he’s been thoroughly jazzed to meet her, and she’s been slow to respond. Now her recent email reveals that she has family coming in from overseas for Thanksgiving, so her schedule is jammed, and now he’s not happy. He’s wondering, “Is this girl just too busy, not interested enough in me? Is she just another flaky LA girl who doesn’t know what she wants? Is she playing games with me? Should I move on?”
Cupid’s Coach says…Relaaaaaaax. Take a breath. Take ten breaths. Oh, go ahead, take a yoga class. Better yet, take a full day to climb Mount Baldy or run a 10K. No, I’ve got it — Take two days and volunteer at your local soup kitchen and get out of your own head to gain some perspective.
Dating often means waiting. Learn to wait well.
We live in an “order it up” culture. Hungry? Burger King, Subway, PF Changs, the vegan joint around the corner – take your pick. Computer crashed? Easy to replace — stop by Best Buy or your local Apple store and you’re set. Don’t have the money? No worries, charge it. Oh, card it maxed? No sweat, here’s another new one — just call to activate. Just order it up, Darlin’…
So often I see clients coming to me expecting the same quick fix — I’m lonely, ready for love. I want to share my heart and my life, and I want my new perfect partner…now. This month. Actually, this week would be better. Really, I’m open after work today, so go for it, Coach, put me on a perfect date tonight, with the woman of my dreams. She needs to look this way, she needs to be wildly attracted to and fascinated with me, and the details of her life need to fit ever-so-neatly-and-cleanly into the admittedly jagged scramble that my life happens to be at the moment. I know what I want. I’ve submitted my order — now Matchmaker, you go fulfill it.
You think I’m joking, right? I’m not joking.
Certain elements need to be present in order for a new romance to ignite: Mutual interest and attraction for sure, and then there’s the issue of timing. My greatest frustration as a personal matchmaker and dating coach is watching truly great people “miss” each other for what are clearly to me…silly little reasons. In this case, Jim has begun to make things up about Randi and he’s tempted to discard her like an empty Starbucks cup into the nearest trash receptacle – Tossing her is easier and simpler for him than learning to wait patiently, with compassion, kindness and understanding. (By the way, relationship requires lots and lots of patience, compassion, kindness, and understanding — so…best to practice these skills along the way to finding someone to love…)
Today’s lesson: If you’re dating…practice the art of waiting…develop your inner strength, your own peace and calm, giving each one of your current prospects the space and the permission to gravitate toward you … in their own time.
Keep your heart and mind open and keep your compassion with you, as timing needs to be right on both sides for a friendship or romance to take hold. New friendships and new relationships are like tender baby plants. Water, sunlight, some careful pruning — all part of the growth process, and…some plants just don’t blossom overnight. That doesn’t mean they’re not worth cultivating…
Learn to wait well, my friends.